saint franny

Monday Meme

2006-03-13T21:11:00.000-05:00

Manic Monday's Theme:BED

1. If you could have any single kind of appliance attached to your bed, what you it be?

ummm, i'd like to invent a new one if i'm gonna do this at all - a combo dorm frig/microwave. Presto! all food needs met. true sloth - hail ye

2.If you could have a single button beside your bed that did one thing, what would you want it to do?

i'd like to invent something for this too - an automatic muter for the tv. as soon as commercials come on - tv goes mute, thus eliminating the need for me to scramble for the clicker under my laptop and mountain of things i'm reading all at once.
so, the single button would turn this auto muter on. :)

3 .If you could have any view in the world visible from your bed, what would it be?

the view from Princeville Resort in Kauai.

4. If you had to name the most beautiful bed you have ever occupied, what would it be?

unless i'm forgetting something, it would be at the Hotel Monaco in San Francisco.
though, that wasn't so much the bed, as the room in its entirety.

A fun list

2006-03-10T10:12:00.000-05:00

< the basement, pre- new chairrail and minus our cherry furniture - bookcases, futon and entertainment center that now occupy it. when it's Done and Perfect - will post finished version

4 Things I Need Every Morning
• to hug my dogs
• kiss goodbye from my sweetie
• breakfast
• laptop

4 Things that Turn Me Off
• christians
• republicans
• cranky old people - yes, i still hate my neighbor. bitch!
• unstable people

4 Things I Believe In
• my baby's love for me
• that i am living my life right now exactly as i'm meant to - wouldn't change a thing
• unconditional love for all animals, especially my 3 dogs and 3 cats
• the all-emcompassing and uniting and creative energy that is the Universe

4 Things I Am Afraid Of
• death, before i'm ready
• extreme heights - bungy jumping - no; skydiving - no; falling to the earth in a crashing plane - no thank you
• something happening to any of my loved ones
• chipping a tooth

4 Things I Do Everyday
• surf
• kiss my babies and my husband
• bath or shower (i do luv my 2 hour bubble baths)
• eat something sweet

4 Things I Want to Do Before I Die

hmmmmmm.... very interesting... will be pondering this long after i finish this list...
•
•
•
•

4 People I Want to See
• my friends Brini and Fi, Oprah, and..... think I'll hold onto that 4th choice for now.

4 Numbers that Rule My Life
2281966 - my bday; 1697 - day i met my honey online, and the day a year later he proposed; 9131997 - the day we met; 651999 - the day we married. :)

4 Favorite Colors
• pink
• green
• white
• reserving that choice for now too

no wait... red.. the color of my cave dwelling that is my bedroom. :)

3 Names You Won’t Answer to
• skipping this, b/c a lot of new people tend to call me a variation of my name, and it makes no nevermind to me nohow, and so far other names I'm called are very endearing to me. they are Di - by my girl; Franny - by my bosom buddy; gertrude/motor mouth - by my mom when i was little; sweetie/honey/baby/punkin/puppy - any and all things my sweetiehoneybabypunkinpuppy calls me. :)
• actually, there is one i don't care for - whenever my mom said 'dianalynn' - usually meant trouble was afoot.

3 Parts of Your Heritage

not that I know, because I have no Written proof of anything - thanks hillbilly family!
• Irish
• Welsh
• Cherokee

3 Things You are Wearing Right Now
• undies - der
• pajama bottoms - i'd live in them if i could... though, come to think of it, i've found a way to wear them most of the day lately :)
• pajama top - not matching, but always color coordinated with the bottoms :)

3 Favorite Songs
.... but not necessarily my top 3 ....
• september, by EWF
• Summer Wind, by Sinatra
• One Headlight, Jacob Dylan's band

3 of Your Hobbies
• any form of entertainment via media - surfing, tv/movies, magazines, books
• my furry babies
• organizing

adding a fourth - creative outlet, such as painting. we're currently redoing the basement, and i get lost for hours on end painting all of it to perfection. next up - touching up the whole rest of the house (considering i painted every surface of it when we moved in 3 years ago - def. some spots that need another going over)

3 Places You Want to Visit
• Ireland - check - going there this summer :)
• Greece
• Australia

3 Ways You are Unstereotypically Male/Female
• well, i think i'm pretty girly girl, but the only thing that comes to mind is i can cuss a storm when properly motivated (i.e. huge anger such as anytime i see my bitch neighbor)

The Birds Have Arrived!

2006-03-10T00:07:00.000-05:00

what the hell - that's as good a reason as any to post.
Shit.
if i were a GOOD blogger, like megan is - I woulda taken some PICTURES of those dang ole birds who were swarming my backyard birdfeeder today!
crap.
note to self - ... well, you know what it is.

anyway.
sure haven't felt like posting lately have i?
and no, i'm Not going to use capital letters anymore unless i damn well feel like it. so deal.
i don't do it in IMs or email, so i ain't a'doin' it here neither.

Lotsa stuff has happened in the, oh, THREE months since last we visited.
what's most important??
oh let's just randomly tawk....

- we got a new kitty. her picture is above. her name is Reva. she came with the name rhonda, but i didn't like that.
long story short - i got an itch to get a new kitty. i Wanted a white and/or orange Kitten. so i started checking out petfinder.com.. or org. whatever it is.
then i checked my local news site - they do a shelter pet every tuesday.
i saw her picture.
she'd been in there for over a year. her kittens were long ago adopted, and she was still there.
i mean, that Face!
she wasn't white, or orange, or a kitten.. but, i knew she was destined to be mine.
so, applied for the adoption, got her later that week, and it's been, um, 5 or 6 weeks now and she's doing really well.
kept her closed off in her own room for the first week - she was really spazzy at first. had short visits with her. got her used to the feeling that she wouldn't have to go to petco every saturday anymore. then had longer visits. then started leaving the door open - gate up (WHY OH WHY do dogs like cat poop????). bella and chia started hopping to fence to visit. went mostly ok.
then, i took her in the bathroom with me one saturday when i took a long 2 hour bath. it was only then she realized i think that there was more to her new home than that one room. so slowly she started coming out and exploring little by little. then i stopped putting food in her room so she'd have to go downstairs where we feed the other two and get it there.
did i say long story short???
anyway. now her litter box has been moved to the basement, with the other two. (a 4th is in the bathroom up here, but only my crazy cat uses that one - it's a "Clever Cat" style - with a hole in the top of the lid, instead of the side like usual. keeps the poop eating beagle out, but so far also keeps out 2 of my 3 kitties.
so... she came in the bathroom today while i was drying my hair and circled my legs.. as cats do.
she tolerates me picking her up from her cozy bed and holding her in here in a big hug in my room while we watch tv - dogs and cats all around snoozing.
i wuv her.

- we are going to the UK in July to see LUCIANO PAVOROTTI!!!
my honey is So fucking awesome!
long story short -
(?)
i mentioned in dec. that i got a cd at starbucks that has a luciano song on it that i loved. mentioned that it would be cool to hear him in person one day - his voice Moves me.
(it also moves our two moms, but that's not actually my influence - i just luv what i luv ;))
um.. so... xmas prezzie day - he approaches with a "3 part gift".
ok.........
#1 - luciano cd - cool!
#2 - a book on etiquette and customs in Great Britain - ummmm..... HUH?????
#3 - a printout from ticketmaster of our tickets to see the Great One at Warwick Fucking Castle this summer!!! i mean, REALLY!!!
who woulda ever thought??????
blew me away.
so, now we need to book our flights soon and get busy doing homework on how best to use our time there. i think we're actually gonna do 4 days in UK and 6 days in Ireland.
our beloved dog Max was a Kerry Beagle, from, natch, County Kerry on the Green Isle, and so we have fantasies of researching his breed while there and finding ourselves a new little puppy max. don't know how realistic that is, but since i think i have irish roots (have i ever metioned my hillbilly family NEVER apparently kept track of the history of our heritage??), i wanna see the homeland and such.
so, that's fun. :)

- um... god. i know there's tons more to talk about. but it's after midnight and the ole sleepin pills are kicking in.

but, i will say this - i miss my fi - hope you're back online soon sweetie.
my husband's brother had a baby, and apparently i'm not supposed to give a shit, so i'm not gonna. dont miss him and apparently it's mutual, so fuck'em.
feel so grateful for my 3 other bestest friends who remembered my bday last week.
oh that.
yeah. i turned 40.
yippeefuckingyeah.
i'll stream of consciousness about that later.
still dealing.
so, hey, if you're here, drop me a howdy will ya?

p.s. - mark - get the FUCK outta my dreams man!
God!

So, yeah......

2005-12-18T07:44:00.000-05:00

I'm so unfocused right now.
Part of why I haven't been blogging. Don't know where to start, what to talk about...
much like my messy messy messy messy cluttered house. It's so messy and cluttered I can't think or see straight. I need to Seriously declutter and get my shit straight... but, Ohhhh the effort. And like, Every room needs stuff done to it!
Not to mention actually Cleaning shit!!!
Oy.

So, watched Hotel Rwanda last night. Took us forever to finally put it in the dang ole dvd player. Once in, I wanted to take it out. So hard to watch. Glad we did though.... decent happy ending in a gruesome tale.
Today I'm gonna watch my James Spader movie I've had forever and a Stewie Griffin special, and then in the mail they go so we can get new fun from Netflix!

It just feels like sometimes there's So much to do.. so much I'm behind on, so much that I FORGET I have to do, but know it's Something, lurking, waiting.... it just makes me positively inactive. Total inertia.
Which is odd.... in my jobs as a nanny or household manager or housesitter or whatever - I'm SO good at organizing and tidying up other people's shit. Excellent at it. And I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I do.
Like last week - I cleaned up Laura's dresser.
This entailed taking everything off, rearranging, even all her little jewelry boxes.. took ALL her jewelry out and put it on the bed, catagorized it, condensed it... and it made me feel SO good!
But when it comes to MY shit - WTF is wrong with me?????

I now have a lot of "free time", but where the fuck does it go???? How is it now that I have just ONE dog walking job to alllll day - granted, with travel, it takes about 2 hours, but, most days, I can just Barely manage to accomplish that! Like, seriously - nothing else gets done!

Part of the problem may be what's going on right now. My sleep schedule is erratic.
Went to bed on the late side - 1:00ish... woke at 6:00ish... now it's almost 8:00ish... I feel like once I finish here, and maybe surf a couple more blogs, I'll go back to sleep.. probably til noon or so, if I'm lucky... but then, that's more than half the daylight hours today... and I May, in two shifts, get a full night's sleep out of it. But then I'll lay here, watch tv, try to read, make us "breakfast"... maybe take a bath.... then it'll be dark! And my inclination to crawl back in bed and snuggle up for the night will kick in, and I'll have gotten NOTHING DONE!
We'll see how it goes, but I"m not predicting a good successful productive day.
Dammit.
Something else is going on here... maybe if I 'blog'/journal long enouogh, it will reveal itself to me.
I feel it lurking under the surface....
alas.... i Am feeling sleepy now.. so, gonna go noodle on it for a bit and see what I come up with.
Maybe my dreams will reveal all.
Or, if I"m lucky, James Spader will visit me and we'll make fantastic naughty love and I'll wake up in a great mood and ready to roll! ;)

Michael Hutchence :(

2005-12-02T21:09:00.000-05:00

Watched the "Rock Star" show all summer... rooted for JD from the very beginning with his rendition of 'California Dreamin' (previously stated on this blog)....
in anticipation of their new album and the concert we're gonna go see in February, we've rented an INXS dvd from Netflix - Live Baby Live.
Actually, I wanted to see this after programming them into my Tivo and seeing a block of performances from them over the years with Michael.
WOW - what a performer he was.
I always did like him - thought he was totally hot, especially with longer hair... but I took for granted what an awesome and powerful singer he was, and a MAGNETIC performer. He owns the stage, the crowd, the music.... he's one with it.
Decided I wanted to see more of him, as I just have vague memories of the videos on MTV.

It just makes me so sad to watch though.
Had a similar sensation this afternoon - "Superfreak" by Rick James came on the radio, and I was like, Cool - and turned it up... realizing moments later - ohhhh, Rick's dead. :(
Still enjoy the song of course, but it takes away from it....

I'm sad to think he (Michael) had so many demons that he took a lot of drugs and got lost in himself, and ended up taking a life that should have gone on many many more years.
Watching him sing "Need you tonight" at the moment.... magnetic, mesmerizing, sexy as hell, funny, feminine yet totally all man....
Life is so unfair. Someone like him goes too soon, and there's still all these FUCKERS out there walking around, enjoying freedom and life and possibilities.

No clue about his daughter - Heavenly Hirani Tigerlily - but I hope she ends up ok. Both her parents gone.... at least she has all this video to watch and see a part of who her dad was.
I have a few small videos of my dad... helps me remember who he was, what he was like....

Looking forward to seeing the gorgeous JD. Absolutely think they chose the right one... if anyone can come close to inhabiting the space like Michael did, it's him. He just has to be himself and let the music flow over him and be one with it.
Plus.. I saw the group on the View the other day. What struck me is the other guys in the band look Happy, and enjoying themselves. Getting to know them a bit thru the tv show, they all seem really nice and I wish them great success with this new chapter.

Being Thankful

2005-11-24T08:59:00.000-05:00

So, it's what they call Turkey Day in these here parts.
And this morning we've gotten our first snow of the year. Still coming down I reckon. Don't know cause I'm still all tucked in bed with 3 sleeping dogs surrounding me and a tryingtosleepmore spouse, curtains closed.
We got all the trimmings to make ourselves a nice feast today. Going to try my hand at making a pumpkin pie even. Though, thanks to last minute shopping, they were out of pumpkin pie spice, so that should be interesting.
Thought I'd start a new tradition for myself and list all the things I can think of that I'm thankful for today. Since I don't want to 'celebrate' what my English ancestors did to the Native Americans 4 score and many more years ago, will suffice to count my blessings as the holiday season progresses and I look forward to a new exciting year of life.

I'm grateful for:
- my sweetie. 8+ years together, 6 1/2 married, haven't for a moment doubted that I picked the right one. He was so worth waiting for. My darling Kate despairs, at the age of 15, of all the jerky idiot boys she has to put up with in high school right now. I tell her - be selective, picky,and patient. I was 33 when I got married and I don't regret a single day of my single life before. It happens when it's meant to - IF you really *listen* to the Universe.
- my babies. Lucy, Trixie, Lady, Chia and Bella. And my beloved Fartman, Max. Ohhhhh I still miss him so. Thought of him the other day when it thundered for a minute - instinctually wondered if he heard it and that I should get home to him pronto. Til I remembered he wasn't there anymore. :(
- all the other furbabies I know and love. Thumbelina, Thaddeus, Casey, Shelby, all my zogs that I walked last year - I miss them.... Luke, Kelsey, Jake, Sammi, Samantha, Jack, Tucker, Chamois, Madison, the Greyhounds and their Staffordshire brother. Mom's zogs, Choo Choo and Charlotte. Gemini - RIP. Elyse's Shelby and Katie. And every other furbaby I've ever met, and those I haven't. And all the others who have let me love them, may they rest in peace - Heidi, Pepi, Heidi, Babi, Gretchen, Sunny, Ruby, Sam, Lady, Jesse, Sophie, Oliver, Kippy, Angel, Abby, Gus...............................................................................................................................................................
- My darling Kate
- and of course Chris Geoff and Laura. The family I never had.... I'll know and love this one forever.
- my momma. And the fact that she TRULY has done a 180 with herself. Talked to her last night, and she listed allll the foods she's making today, all the nifty kitchen gadgets she's wanting now that she's cooking again. We have more *good* talks than not nowadays. She actually seems sorta Happy! I never thought I'd see the day. The hope I'd had for her I'd actually lost, just before she found it herself. Seeing that - I know that ANYTHING in life is possible, if you set your mind to it.
- my beautiful yellow house. My *home*. I love it. I loved it the first day we saw it, and we truly have made it a Home. We'll probably always have a project list, of little things to tinker with and fine tune, but, if we're gonna live in Rhode Island, this is the place for me.
I love the bathtub, the fireplace, the all enclosed fence we put up, the garden we put in this year, all the walls I've painted, all the fab projects sweetie has done including our fab kitchen, and our new fab neighbors - oh, and their Bandit!! I forgot that sweet lil Jack Russell! *smoosh*
- my good good friends. Elyse, Katia, Sabrina.... Michele and Darla....Sunny...Scott...Don....
- Kate's little girlfriends - I love those girls. Bianca, Belle, Ashley, Rachel.... and all the others.
- ebay. :)
- my college degrees.
- getting to Go to college - twice. Completely different experiences - wouldn't trade a day. Well, maybe a few, but....
- the beautiful house I lived in in Nashville for 6 years. What a life.
- all my travels. Driving from Indiana to California and back twice. 3 of those legs completely by myself. Life changing.
- getting married in Kauai on the beach. Only regret no one was present for *me*.
- our planned 10th anniv. trip back to Kauai. Am hoping a few people come along for the ride this time.
- Oprah.
- Madonna... Julia Roberts.... and all other entertainers I admire and actually respect.
- Tivo. :)
- Netflix.
- my magazines and books. Yes, my cup currently runneth over, but, I Love that I love to read.
- chick blogs. Love reading them. Love those gals and how they tell their truth.
- my families - though I currently don't talk to any of them. The Harpers - what a shame.
The Vances - shame on you. Dolores and Steven - well, I miss my brother. Mom's family - your loss.
- my dad. Even though he was a lying cheating hypocritical bastard, he was my daddy. He loved me the best he could I suppose, and I'll always miss him. Esp. with so many things left unsaid and unresolved.
- Living in San Francisco for 2 years.
- learning to appreciate living in Rhode Island, even though it's taken me 6 years to do so.
- beaches.
- flowers.
- music.
- people who forgive me. Who love me sometimes in spite of myself.
- learning to let go of people who aren't positive influences.
- standing up for myself, regardless of the consequence.
- my Vue. :)
- the fact that, right now, more or less, I have a perfectly working, functioning body.
- that Katia came to visit me recently. What a wonderful experience.
- my ability to take a couple trips next year - to visit Sabrina in Alabama, to have mom come visit me here for a while, maybe to visit Sunny in Boulder....
- the child spirit who hovers above me, waiting for me to decide it's time for her to be born.
- the fact that George Bush has less than 3 years left in office. God help us.
- Air America radio (even though Providence recently DROPPED it!!), and all other outlets like it.
- The Bold and the Beautiful. :) The one remaining soap I still watch, and now have sweetie watching with me.
- all my other fave tv shows. I Love tv, ok???? It doesn't mean Anything other than that!
I look forward to watching them and miss them when they go.
- my two second level parents - my mother in law and my step dad. They're good people and I appreciate that they love me.
- air conditioning.
- Starbucks and Whole Foods.
- seeing the mailman come up my street.

well, that's a good start. I may come back to this and add to later on.
Things aren't perfect, I mess up, but, I'm grateful for what I've got, the person I've chosen to be, and those who have helped and supported me in the past, and who love me now.
Oh, two more:
- having hope that Bush won't completely fuck Everything up before he's outta there, and I can be Proud of the U.S. again,
and
- all my blog friends. Small group that it is - the ones whom I visit and the ones who visit me - EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THEM LEAVE ME COMMENTS!!!!!!
(i check my site meter people.. I Know where you are! Can't ya just give me a small holler every now and then?? Please????)
;)

Cheers, people.
Find things, little and big, in your own life to be grateful for. Not just today - but every day you draw breath and see the open sky above you.

Sports Injuries

2005-11-24T08:28:00.000-05:00

See me here? I am holding a golf club.
Note the smile? This is before I've actually used it. I'm just happy cause it's Pink!
My sweetie wants me to play with him next year... he has a regular crew most weekends now - work buddies - but he says he'd Still like me to play with him! Go figure! I thought he'd WANT the boy-playtime-awayfromtheballandchain! ;)

So, anyhoo, he bought me this nifty girl set from Target and we went to the driving range Sunday to break these in and see if I can actually HIT the ball.

Well, turns out I can... I did somewhat ok. There were at least a few balls that actually went out, up and straight. I have NO idea how that happened, but it was a nice occasional mistake. ;)
I finally got fatigued after hitting about, oh, 438 balls, and let sweetie hit the rest of mine.
The next day, had a bit of tenderness in my upper abs and forearm. To be expected. Nothing to prevent me from doing Taebo - felt great.
Tuesday, noticed a 'catch' in my back on the right side. Hmm.
Wednesday - well, a little stiff in the back still, but, Taebo calls!
At the 26 minute mark (a new record), took a water and catching my breath break... then decided it was a potty break... I was already coming down from the workout high enough to think, eh, do I Really want to finish the workout? Well, I planned to, until I found myself Very Nearly unable to get up off the toilet! As in, Can't Stand! As in, I'm all hunched over with that spot in my back Torturing me with pain like I've never felt, having me panting for breath, and making like a contortionist to figure out How exactly to get upright again without just falling over and writhing in pain like the lady on tv who fell and couldn't get up!
OMG.
Clearly, the workout was over for the day. Hopped in the shower - minute by minute it just got worse and worse. Couldn't even properly bend over to wash my calves with the scrubbie! Had to LIFT my knee while holding onto the wall to even come close. And flipping my hair over to rinse it like I usually do? Hah!
This is getting serious now. Minutes ago, I was punching and kicking like a warrior. Now I can barely move. Hmmm.
Still had to go walk Casey... was interesting trying to hold him on the leash and bend over to pick up the poo. Didn't fall though.
Finished my walk with him....gave lots of love to him and Mittens. I love him so much. What a muffin. I'm thinking I may quit doing it though. His dad, Richard, is a bit of an ass. Always accusing me of doing things, like losing the leash, letting the cat out, not locking the door, or, in the case of Tuesday night when he called me at home - accusing of Locking the door, so the plumber couldn't get in that afternoon. Wow - the NERVE of me! Making sure the door was secure on a million dollar house on the water, filled with expensive crap AND his two pets. Yeah, I'm a real idiot Richard! Thanks A) for letting me KNOW thru my mindreading capabilities that you wanted the door left open and B) calling me in a huff and ruining my evening.
With winter coming, and it taking me about 2 hours to do this every day, for 20 bucks - nice as it is to have that tiny bit of extra cash (when he remembers to pay me), I think I'm going to have to bid adieu soon.
Anyhoo... as the day progressed, I got worse and worse. 5 advil and a migraine pill later - not much better. We had to go to the store to get Tday dinner fixins last night - could barely get out of the car.
Fast forward... took a Valium from the stash mom gave me long ago, cranked up the heating pad to high - slept somewhat decently. I think I may be able to move like the almost 40 yr old I am, instead of the 80+ yr old I was yesterday.
Will I be up for Taebo tomorrow morning? The jury is out.
I will not be deterred though! I have my semi-monthly weigh in and measuring to do on Monday!
I suppose it's good to find out NOW that I'm in way worse shape than I thought, so I can Taebo my ass off all winter and have a modicum of a chance of being able to actually play a round of golf next summer.

I heart Madonna

2005-11-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

THIS is what is going to keep me on track with my Taebo. And yoga. And running. Whatever else I might do to be fit and healthy.
To look like this at 46 (when this photo was taken) would be incredible. It may take me that long to get anywhere close to where she is, but, it's a journey worth taking on I think.
I've always admired her workout ethic. She looked fine to me before she started all this, but, seeing her perform at the Europe MTV awards in nothing but a little leotard and knee high boots - GAW. Not a thing jiggled and her ass looked Fantastic! ;)

I feel good about getting up early today and getting my workout done.
It's not even 10:00 and I'm already showered and about to have my Kashi. I've also learned the value of 'eating to live' and feeling healthy and clean as a result. Sure, I give in to my poptarts cravings at times, or M. makes a Dunkin Donut run on the weekends, but, I know to get back on my game, I have to eat what is best for my body and mental well-being at times.

I don't know if or when I'll ever make the jump to being a vegan, which philosophically I'd like to do. I support PETA in their efforts and really don't think 'meat' is necessary to sustain us. There are a zillion other things to eat that are much better. But shit, it does taste good at times.
And sugar??
Well, I have given it up before.. went thru an actual Withdrawal that was scary, but.... I just really REALLY like certain things, and don't want to stop having them forever.
Like, M and I have talked many times about giving up Coke. We've done it before... having just more water, or making iced tea, or cranberry juice or whatever. But, I realized last weekend after slaving away in the yard all day and pouring a glass of icy cold coke, that it was TOO fucking good to just never have again. It quenches like water can't do at times.
So... what finally just makes sense is Moderation. What you always hear, but seems to take a while to actually sink into consciousness... have what you want, do what you want, but, aim for at least half the time making better choices. Good begets good. Sloth begets sloth.

So, today I made it to 20 minutes before needing a water break. Then at 24 minutes. Then at 26 minutes. But then I made it thru the rest of the (44 min) tape. It's always worth getting thru it all to the Taebo cooldown. Getting that 'rush' as you start to come down from working so hard feels good. And now showered, I feel.. spent. And yet oddly somewhat energized.
:)

So - productive day ahead...
Finish Fearless Living homework. Go walk Casey. Go to Home Depot and get a bit more mulch for the yard, and caulk for the tub... hmmm... something from Target.... well, want to get an electric blanket. And I wanna stop in Cohoes. It's right nearby and I've never been in, but Kate tells me it's Fab. Designer stuff at discount. If they have plus size stuff, they'll have me - cause Target just has NOT been cutting it lately with their TEENYTINYFUCKINGSMALL plus size section - which is all Smushed into the fucking Maternity section!!! Pisses me off royally.
I've been getting some nice stuff at Old Navy. But shit. I'm tired of these slim pickin's. Can't wait to start getting into the "regular" sizes. Though, hells bells, some designers consider a SIZE 12 to be plus size these days!! I'd LOVE to be a 12!! Ultimately, I DO want to be at least a 6. I don't see anything wrong with that goal, esp. if a lot of it is muscle. Would be nice to experience size 4, but, hey, I'm trying to be reasonable here. :)

Oh... and when I get home - time to tackle those DUSTBUNNIES!! Ugh I can't take it anymore!!!

randomness and hard work

2005-11-14T01:18:00.000-05:00

So, it feels like I haven't done much lately, and DEFINITELY have been sleeping a lot more recently... don't know what's up with that, except maybe my hormones are whacked out or something.
But, truth is, I Have done a lot, out in the yard. Somehow though, these projects we do end up taking the whole live long day, so I get nothing Else done.
We're almost done though. Just a few more things to cross off our to-do list for the season.
The nice payoff is our yard looks SO pretty now. I'll post a pic I took today of some of it.

I'm definitely behind in my reading though, and have been for some time. I can't Wait til I am really on top of everything else so I can freely and without guilt sit and just Read whatever, for however long I want. Hard to relax and just do that though when I have other things I KNOW should be done first.

Saw this on the Daily Meme site, and thought I'd play:

week of Nov13.2005: This or That
This or Thatjust tell me which you prefer1. Coke or Pepsi - I don't care, can't tell the difference. Though M. insists he likes coke better. However, whenever I order a cola, I call it 'coke' regardless.

2. Summer or Winter - neither. Both are too extreme for me, though I'll take winter if pressed. Prefer the more moderate fall. I like spring, but spring means summer is coming.
I didn't used to hate summer, but either "I" am different and react to it differently, or the weather is just Really more fucked up now than when I was a kid, but the HUMIDITY of the summers lately are just KILLING ME. I barely went outside all of August, and little of September. UGH.

3. The beach or a pool - being a Pisces, I'll take either. :) Before Katrina I woulda automatically said beach. But now the ocean kinda scares me - you never know when that fucker is gonna flare up and just do you in. I still love the idea of it though. And the plan to *ultimately* have a house on the beach is forever gone - who wants to risk it??? I'll settle for a nice calm lake somewhere Really high up!
Haven't been in a pool in forever. Too fat to get my big butt in a swimsuit. Once I lick that problem, you'll have to Drag me out of a pool!

4. Early morning or late at night - easy - late night. I have, at times, appreciated the early morning, but, eh, it just doesn't rattle my cage. I think you're born one way or the other - no way to really change it.
However, having said that, I AM having M. wake me up in the morning so I can start doing my Taebo RIGHTFUCKINGAWAY and get it done and over with, so I will stop postponing it all morning and then ultimately not doing it at all. I am a total sloth, but do actually like a little order in my life. If I gotta kick my own butt to start doing it, then so be it.

5. DVD or VHS - who still likes VHS?????? For that matter, why go DVD when you can use Tivo??? Although, we do belong to Netflix, so def. DVD for that.
Though, need to stop putting movies on my queue that I really don't have a hinkering to actually sit and watch. Like Hotel Rwanda. I KNOW it's a good movie and everyone raves - much like Crash. But, I know it's depressing subject matter where I'll be tense on the edge of my seat in an uncomfortable way, esp. since it's True....
I keep forgetting about my James Spader movie I also got. :)
That'll be my reward tomorrow for getting my Taebo done AND my Fearless Living homework done.

Damn. At this rate, am only gonna get 6 hours sleep. Shit. 'Course, I DID sleep til 1:00 today.
shhhhhh
I was up early for a bit.. had some poptarts and watched some tivo, then back to snoozeville.
ahhhhh.... am i Really expected to do anything else when it's Sunday and M is out playing GOLF at the ungodly hour of 7:00?????

Oh - and a little plug - I got Ted Allen's new cookbook (Queer Eye for the Straight Guy foodie dude), and have made two things. His mashed potatoes are Way better than mine were.
The fried chicken - I need to adjust a few things, like getting a cast iron skillet, but it ultimately turned out Really good. Having those two together filled me up in a quick Hurry (along with steamed carrots.. though, next time we do carrots, I saw a yummy new recipe for roasted carrots in my new Google Recipe of the Day on the homepage.)
And - even better - I had a question for Ted about the chicken and he replied to me less than 12 hours later!!! What a groovy dude!

Ok, time for some shut eye. Whattya think of our yard?? I"ll take better pics in the spring, when the forsythia is blooming yellow and we plant some colorful annuals and such, but this is a taste....
(the tree in the back yard is SO magnificent. i'll have to take a better pic to do it justice. it towers over our two story house. i love it. need to get tree guy out here to give us an estimate to trim and secure it - who knows when the last time was it was tended to - but, i'm so glad it's in Our yard. as you can see, we pretty much planned the design of the yard around it... the path leads to it, with benches in front of it, etc etc. it's very serene and damn close to what we intended when we started out. some tweaking next spring and we're all set.)

Changing

2005-11-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

So...
just feel like streaming my consciousness...

Was up late last night tidying up my nightstand area. I have GOT to get the magazine thing under control, but having shelves of them right here was making me claustrophobic and the mess was just increasing by the day. So, moved them into the blue room, and set up my actual Nightstand, complete with a silver tray which holds my water bottle, a lovely stone that holds a few pairs of earrings, one of our wedding pictures, a little buddha incense holder which actually holds little stones and rocks from the beach, and my lip stuff. Next to that my laptop can sit, so I don't give myself carpal tunnel each time I put it down and lift it up one handed.
On the little bookshelf next to it in the corner is another beautiful silver tray (love getting them at thrift stores and second hand stores, deeply discounted because of a "flaw" - what do I care about flaws?? still lovely to me). On this tray is a cannister filled with dried lavender flowers, a lamp I got out of someone's trash and put a new lampshade on it, a picture of Max, a little silver heart thingy that holds the hair they shaved off him arm to give him 'the shot'. :(
It was an afterthought before we left him that day at the vet... it was just laying there, and I've thought for years how much I love his beautiful fur, the look and feel of it... so, I took a little piece of him with him.
I still miss him so much. My big beautiful man. It was 3 months on Friday. I told Michael that the 3 months we've been without him feels like so much longer than the 13 years I had him.
I'd give anything if he hadn't gotten sick this spring and was still here enjoying life with us.
My heart still hurts.
Also a candle which I fully intend to light from time to time, a little hinged marble box that holds more earrings, and a little thermometer thingy I've had since I was a girl.
Also, on the wall, above my nightstand is Max's collar and tags. I like it there. Sometimes I rattle the tags just to hear 'his sound'. Lucy and Trixie always look up when they hear it....I know they still miss him too. I feel so bad for little Schmoop. I don't know if she *knows* what happened to him.... why he's never come back home. I feel like she feels adrift. She is close to Lucy now, and has for some time, so I'm thankful for that. But.... the hub of our wheel is forever gone, and while we've learned how to continue on without him, the journey just isn't the same.

On a more superficial unimportant level - I'm REALLY annoyed with the plumber that came on Friday to "fix" the tub. Ok, maybe he fixed Something - I'm told he did anyway. But - BUT!!! - the new water level thingy that replaced the old water spout - well!!!!
Turns out the new model has a overflow space where water Flows thru if the level gets up there.
Guess where that is on the tub??
Not even Halfway!!
WHAT is the point of having a nice deep tub if "regulations" make it drain less than halfway full????
Luckily, I know just how to solve this tricky wicket - Caulk is my friend!! :)
Ain't nobody gonna mess with My bathtime!
I like my bathwater Hot, Bubbly and Filled to the Rim thank you very much!!
Something to drink, maybe a little snack, a facial mask, plenty to read, candles.... when I do it up right, I can be there for hours.
ahhhhh......

Anyhooo... it's now the next day since I started this post.
Was gonna talk about other things changing - like my new exercise routine, and the Fearless Living stuff I'm doing, but... I sorta have a headache now and need to reboot the laptop on top of it.
So, more later.

TAEBOTAEBOTAEBO

2005-11-02T11:29:00.000-05:00

<<<<< the culprit!!
doesn't she just Look like she's full of piss and vinegar?? well... in this case, you Can judge the book by its cover. ;)

Whoooooooooooo

Just wanted to post that I am keeping my promise to myself... I am so ON the Taebo train!
I've done it the last 4 weekdays.
Did it Friday to start with... gave myself the weekend to see if I'd be sore... Nope.
So, Monday - did a new tape. Believe it was the Live Basic - didn't like it.
Yesterday did the Cardio tape - Really good workout. 44 minutes. All cardio, except for the cooldown. Which I forgot how much I love, after getting totally spent from the workout. His cooldown almost brings you to a 'high'.
Last night - was Exhausted. Felt fatigued all over - mind and body.
Woke up this morning - finally felt sore - my back seems to be taking the brunt of it.
But - I shall persevere!! Took 3 ibuprofen and donned my gear... started to do a new tape, but, I'm running late because I spent too much time surfing when I first woke up.
Speaking of which - I slept the sleep of the dead!
Had to wake myself up at 9:30 finally... was having a BAD dream about my friend Lisa. Not enjoyable at all.
Then I remembered I wanted to order "doggy steps" from a commercial I'd seen... however, the website looked Really sketchy, so I called to cancel the order. It BETTER damn well BE cancelled to!! Can't trust some of those fuckers.

So, then all of a sudden it's freaking 11:00 - and I have an appt. at 2:00 which means I need to leave the house by noon to walk Casey to be back in time...
DAMN!
Not my plan to skip today, so went ahead and put on yesterday's tape - figured I could run out of the house with wet hair if need be...

First sign of improvement - I went past the time yesterday where I needed to take a "Break". That was 17 minutes. Also took one at 35 minutes.
So, yea for me! :)
However... at the 24 minute mark, was feeling wiped, and decided to cut it short today so I can have time to cool off before my shower.
So, that's STILL a good solid almost half hour of cardio!!

I'm proud of myself.

Tomorrow, will be sure to allow plenty of time - have an appt at 3:00 for oil change.
So, being disciplined with my time is definitely part of this new *me*, and exactly what I need.
I've slacked enough this summer. And I have big plans next year, and I want to FEEL and LOOK Awesome for it. :)

Friday my baby is staying home from work so we can work in the yard. I plan to still do my tape Friday, and give myself the weekend off. Though, have BIG housecleaning plans for Saturday while he's out playing golf. Can't take any more dust bunnies rolling around!!

My appt today is with my "Life Coach"...
I'm doing a client-study thing with the Fearless Living program. My friend Sunny is in it, and it sounded interesting when she talked to me about it a couple weeks ago, so, I'm giving it a go. 12 week commitment. Not sure what I'm going to get out of it yet, but, I'm willing to see what happens.
...................................stupid cat!!
Chia just Totally walked across my keyboard and turned the whole damn computer off!!!
thank DOG i realized what was happening in time to save a draft of this!!

Oh, i was about to give some websites...
Sunny's is: www.overcomingyou.com
and the fearless living is www.fearlessliving.org
Rhonda Britten, who runs the whole she-bang, actually has a show called Starting Over.
I finally watched a couple episodes last week. Interesting.
I think that website is, easily enough - www.startingovertv.com

so.... now i'm showered, and cooling off for a moment from that, then out the door I go.
You never know how traffic will be on stupid 95. Some days, it's a breeze, which is fucking Should be. Other days - it's backed up clear to my exit, and it's a fucking CRAWL all the way.
GRRRRR.
Ironic thing is - Casey's house is practically Directly across from mine, Across the Bay - but I have to go UP to freaking Providence and then back Down again because there's only ONE way to get over there - and it Ain't across the water!!

Anyway.
It's a good day.
:)
My zogs are all sleeping away, and it's a gorgeous sunny warmish day out.

Ciao for now readers of which there are mighty mighty few! If any!!
Whatever. I'm doing this just because anyhow.
:)

The 100 list thingie

2005-10-29T13:23:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I've enjoyed reading other people's lists, so I'm going to attempt to create one myself. If only for my own enjoyment. :)

1. I have the best husband in the world.
2. I met him on the Internet almost 9 years ago.
3. When I met him, I'd totally and completely given up on men. I still think most of them are scum. This theory is bourne out nearly every day somehow.
4. I love my babies second best to BHITW.
5. All of them are rescued.
6. I don't believe in "buying" pets, yet when I go to the pet store, it takes a lot of strength to not get at least one. I want to save all of them.
7. I love Brighton bags and wallets. Even though the bags are never big enough.
8. I can't do small handbags. Tried. Can't. Need a big ole satchel thingie to carry my shit.
9. My shit includes: a big ole Brighton wallet; a "makeup" bag full of all kinds of essentials that I might need during the day, or if I ever got stranded for some reason; my planner - currently Anne Taintor, who I love; a bottle of water - ALWAYS; something to read - ALWAYS; tissues; phone; camera; and a little pouch of special stones and rocks and trinkets that I love to play with.
10. I LOVE Anne Taintor. (that needed it's own listing)
11. I love Tivo. Don't know how I lived without it.
12. Love Taebo. It kicks my ass, but other than running (when I'm in shape), nothing has made me feel more exhilarated.
13. Most I ever ran at once was 4 miles. In college, when I used to go run every night. I got in Awesome shape.
14. In the middle of my freshman year at college, I passed some "popular" boys from high school - they couldn't believe it was me. Seems I had been transformed. :)
15. My dad died over 10 years ago.
16. We had many many unresolved issues that will haunt me forever, because I can never get closure on them.
17. Such as - Why did he sleep with my grandma????????????
18. And why did he live in Florida and W.Va. my whole life, instead of sticking around and being a FATHER????????
19. Why couldn't he accept me as I was, instead of always asking the same 3 questions: Do I have a boyfriend? Have I lost weight? Did I go to church? ..... yes to any and all of those would have thrilled them. I think that accounts for a lot of issues in my 20s, and things that I'm still trying to shake approaching 40.
20. Contrary to my father's ridiculous assertions - Shirley MacLaine is NOT a CULT!! (*rolling eyes*)
21. I met Shirley once, at Westbury in 1991, and got her to sign one of my books. :)
22. I met Marilu Henner backstage on Broadway 3 years ago. She still knows my name, even though I don't frequent her website much anymore.
23. I love Madonna.
24. Saw Madonna in concert for the first time summer of 2004 - 20 years after I became and remained a loyal fan.
25. I cried watching her performed, thinking about the full circle moment of that.
26. Her body fucking Rocks! Especially her thighs! She is my inspiration.
27. I love horror movies. Not slasher gore ones - scary spooky ones. Esp. from the 70s.
28. I have a real fondness for Motown because my mother did.
29. My first (famous) crush was Barry Gibb. Mom took me to see the BeeGees in 79, I was 13.
30. The first album (LP) I bought myself was Kool and the Gang.
31. My first cassette tape was the Stray Cats. (????)
32. Don't remember my first CD, but it took me forever to come around and decide to give up cassettes.
33. I started watching CBS soaps when I was in grade school. I still sorta keep up on all of them, but only now watch The Bold and the Beautiful - and have since it debuted.
34. I got my husband to watch B&B with me. :)
35. I have one set of friends - the Carle twins - I've known since I was 6 years old.
36. I've had 3 step parents and 9 step siblings.
37. I've held 6 nanny jobs since 1987.
38. I've cared for 13 children as a nanny.
38. Kate, the only girl I've cared for, is the One who finally got me to realize I want my own child.
39. All of my grandparents are dead.
40. I have many living relatives - my dad alone had 10 siblings, and my first cousins there are over 50, and now most of them have children, but I don't speak to any of them.
41. If they are truthfull with themselves, they know why.
42. It's scary having only my mom as my only link to my past, my family, my history.
43. I graduated 39th out of my h.s. class of over 400.
44. My gpa was 3.42
45. I almost flunked out of Ball State.
46. I joined a sorority - Alpha Sigma Alpha. I still have two very good friends from that.
47. I have naturally curly hair.
48. I got it cut super short last year and it's taking forever to grow out.
49. It'll never be short again!!
50. My eyes are hazel and they change colors with what I'm wearing.
51. Am naturally a brunette, but feel myself with red hair.
52. But trying blonde highlights two years ago was an interesting change.
53. I was a skinny child.
54. Started being a little overweight in high school.
55. I'd kill to be the size I was in high school.
56. 8 years ago, I lost 60 pounds in less than 8 months just by walking. 5 miles a day.
57. I love working out, yet resist it.
58. I'm left handed.
59. My Popo called me 'Shirley' because my hair curled up like Shirley Temple's when it rained.
60. I wish I'd known Popo better. Even if he was a former alcoholic who caused my mom a painful childhood.
61. He was left handed too. And a vet of WWII.
62. The whole time I knew him, he was in a wheel chair with one leg - from diabetes.
63. I was in a near fatal car crash when I was 17. Totalled my car and injured my ankle. I was unconscious for almost an hour.
64. The next winter, I had my first migraine while visiting Dad in Florida.
65. My dad had migraines - he called them 'sinus headaches', but knowing the symptoms as intimately as I now do - they were migraines.
66. Thanks dad.
67. I like my feet. And like my toes to always be painted nice.
68. I feel guilty getting a pedicure, as much as I love how it looks. Having someone at and working on my feel makes me feel weird.
69. Thru high school and college, I had long painted nails. Now I keep them short and plain.
70. If I don't give my age, I still get guessed to be in my 20s.
71. Sometimes when I answer the phone at work, people ask if my mom is home.
72. I got married on the beach in Kauai.
73. Lived for 2 years in San Francisco. I cherish those years.
74. My mom married my dad because he looked like Elvis.
75. At 18.
76. I was 33 when I got married.
77. Other than my dad's family, I have consciously stopped speaking to 3 people. My friend Lisa, and my brother and sister in law. I don't owe any of them any apologies. If they don't know the reasons, it's their bad and I don't care.
78. I have driven myself thru nearly every state in the country. Clear across the country 4 times.
79. When I was in high school, I rode a 1,000 mile bikeathon with my church youth group, from the Indiana state line to Grand Lake, Colorado, in 2 weeks. We averaged 100 miles a day.
80. I had my first boyfriend on that biketrip. I was 15. His name was Brian. Got my first kiss from him a couple weeks before at Memorial Day Camp. My first french kiss in a church on the first night of the bike trip, after a fair.
81. My first sexual experience should've been with him.
82. Instead, it ended up being something really unpleasant in college with someone I only knew that night.
83. If I could take back all the drinking and all the sex I had in college, I would. None of it was good and not worth it.
84. I believe in reincarnation.
85. I don't believe in "God." I believe in an energy force, form undefined, that is accessible by all of us, for good and evil. There have been many prophets - Jesus, Buddha, Allah, etc... they all represent the same thing, taking different roads to the same place.
86. "The Celestine Prophecy" was the first thing I read that truly represented how I believe.
87. I developed a stutter when I was 7, when my mom divorced my first step dad.
88. It has been the most humiliating and embarrassing thing to deal with in my life.
89. Taking Zoloft seems to have helped me... my doctor says I don't have a true stutter, that it's anxiety. I think she's right. And I wish someone had helped me years ago.
90. When I was 21, I took a job as a switchboard operator. I thought I hid my stutter. I didn't.
91. I can truly count my true friends on two hands. I don't talk to them much, but I know we love each other unconditionally.
92. I miss my friend Katia, who lives in Malta dearly. I just got to spend 4 days with her though, after 8 years.
93. If I have a daughter, her name will be Aerin Catherine Celestina Simone. If I have a son.... I may name him Jack. If I'm convinced Sam Simone sounds ok, it'll be Sam. His middle name will be Michael.
94. I think I'd be a good mother.
95. I think Michael will be a good father.
96. I can't believe people actually voted for fucking Bush, TWICE, and all the misery he's brought upon our country. His sins are unforgiveable. I just hope the next President can help repair some of this damage.
97. I didn't like him, but I believed in him after 9/11. I thought he was the right man for the job. I trusted him. He has ruined that a millions times over. He is what got me passionate about politics and my beliefs about freedom and my country.
98. I miss my beloved pets that I have lost over the years.. Heidi the Dachsund, Heidi the Poodle, Pepi, Babi, Gretchen, Kippy, Abby, and last but not least, Maximillian Fartman. And all my fishies from a few years ago.
99. Right now, my family consists of Michael, my mother, my mother in law, and Trixie, Lucy, Lady, Chia and Bella. And my three hermit crabs. :)
100. I am thankful and feel blessed for each day I wake up. Life is a gift, and I hope I end up fulfulling the potential in mine. I especially love life when I go thru a whole day without a migraine. THAT is a BEAUTIFUL day.

Following Thru

2005-10-29T08:29:00.000-04:00

It feels good. It'll be a long road... a slow but steady upward climb, but... I have begun. And it feels good.
Indeed, did my Taebo yesterday. And as usual, Billy kicked my ass. However, he kicked it a little too hard! I have the new Bootcamp DVDs, and I used the Billy Bands on the Basic tape, and O.M.G. It killed me. My ARMS! Oh God My Arms!!!! Actually, I started dying with the warmup push ups. : (
But, I got as far as I could and then just skimmed the rest. Had been looking forward to doing legwork, but I was so shaky, no way. So, I think on Monday, I'm gonna go back to a couple DVDs I know and love, and build up my stamina with those, and "reward" myself with BootCamp down the road when I know for certain I'm strong enough to TRY to handle it.
Damn that man! ; )

Also, this morning, am having some yummy fresh strawberries.
Of course, we're going out to breakfast at Denny's after bit (hubby's idea - who am I to tell him no?? ;))... and then an afternoon of fun errands down Rt. 2.
But hey - it's Something! Had my Kashi yesterday after my "workout".
And made dinner from a Marilu Henner recipe - Spinach Risotto. Mmmmmmmm. Delish.

So, baby steps, people. And I'm good with baby steps, because inherent in baby STEPS is moving FORWARD. It's not standing still anymore.
I made sure to take my weight yesterday. Noooot comfortable posting that just yet. I think I can remember what it is. But as soon as I see significant initial loss, in LBs or inches, I shall begin posting. Because I am fucking Serious about this.
I know this whole past year was supposed to be "The Year", as I didn't want to turn 40 and still be fat. But.. hey. I still have 4 months, less a day, to make a nice fucking Dent in it, so, whatever. I'm ok with that. I'm done beating myself up. What good comes of that???
I've got enough people willing to beat me up (ok, maybe just a couple down in Narragansett) that I don't need to help them out.

I've got all kinds of plans for next year, including driving or flying to Alabama next spring to visit my Brini. Stay a week or so, and then we're going to drive up to Indiana to surprise Elyse when she graduates in May sometime. And then, I'm thinking I'll go on up to Mom's and get her packed up to come out and visit with me for a small bit. And then in August is Laura's wedding - and I want to look GOOD for those pics! My girl Kate will be almost 16, and I know she and Laura will be looking oh so glam.. I want to have a beautiful photo of the three of us.
And then at some point, maybe after the wedding, I want to go visit Sunny in Boulder. Wanna check that place out - she seems to love it, and I've always been curious.
And it seems like a reasonably safe place from natural disasters. Just a bit of snow maybe, but, I'm ok with snow.

Tomorrow it's supposed to be warmer so am going to plant the last of my ground cover that's been sitting out there for over a month now, and some bulbs that will hopefully come up next spring. A bit more of yard cleanup - and then just waiting for leaves to fall off... hmmm... as gargantuan and regal as our tree is - we should name her.... well, when the leave fall off her, wanna just be able to blow them all in a big pile and bag'em and be done with it. Outside projects will be fini then.

Have been having really good chats with Mom lately. It's soooo nice. I'm guessing it's partially because she's back on her meds. She better damn well stay ON them!! But, when we talk, she sounds normal, and I am always thankful when that happens. She's coherent, she's listening, she's not depressed, she has things to talk about, she asks me questions.... it's all good. : )
Luv my mommy... I shorely do.

The Goddess I Want to Become

2005-10-27T00:49:00.000-04:00

WHY do I stay "stuck"????I'm turning 40 in about 4 months, and I'm still stuck in Stucksville, USA. Stuck in bad food, old habits, non-oxygen living. I've DONE the other stuff - the Good stuff - and Loved how I felt doing it. "Somehow" ended up back here in the Crap Zone of Life, and I REALLY want to change, to *BE* different.

Yet, each night I think, OK - Tomorrow I am SOOOO doing my Taebo/eating better. Yet, the morning comes, and here I lay. In bed, surrounded by my cute lil dogs, watching tv, surfing... the morning goes... and it turns into another day where I didn't *DO* what I planned, what I Want, what I NEED to do!!! I want to be a Goddess! I want to be lean, fit, healthy! I WANT - I know I must DO.

... this is a little cathartic. spilling my guts to you here. I think perhaps I Can do it this next morning. I WILL do my 30 mintues of oxygenated living. I WILL have my Kashi/bananas/soy milk breakfast. I WILL make a good choice for lunch and dinner. I WILL drink liter upon liter of water. Life giving, Life affirming water. I sweated like a pig this summer.I do NOT want to be FAT next year, my 40th summer on earth. I want to wear cute tanks, little shorts, free and fabulous. I have at least 6 months til the Warm weather comes again. That can be at LEAST 60 pounds off my goddess-in-the-making body. Kick it up a notch during the hot summer months, eating lighter, moving even more - can lose easily another 30-40, and Presto - I'm about where I want to be, not even a whole year from now.

A Year - feels/looks like forever.Day by Day - we all know goes by LIKETHIS!Day 1 - Tomorrow - a Thursday, not a Monday - I will begin. I have ALREADY begun, by deciding right NOW to start making better choices.
I am excited. I am finally fucking Ready. I've Been ready... I just lacked the true desire and discipline. If I want to be a Goddess, I have to earn it.

Oh Bosh

2005-10-03T19:42:00.000-04:00

It's been so long since I blogged.... where on earth do i begin to catch up???

On one hand, I know there's tons to say, and I wish I had stayed with my original goal of a once a day posting, but on the other hand, I've just been in such a blah state of late, I'd rather just watch Tivo, read other blogs, read the millions of things stacked up next to my bed, play with the dogs, etc...

Maybe I put too much expectation, that every post has to be long and complete and utterly fascinating. And stop fretting over no one leaving a comment. I love seeing that folks from all over the world stop by, even for a nanosecond. I guess that's enough.

So, Fi was here last week. We had the BESTEST visit ever. Well, not long enough, but I got to reconnect with my sisterfriend.

...........................

Ok.. started this post on Oct. 3 and never finished. (i don't get blogger - it's still going to show the date posting this as 10/3.. it's actually 10/15 today. whatever)
Oy.
I think I got too overwhelmed by all the (whoohoo) stuff that happens in my oh so thrilling life I didn't know where to begin to catch up.

So, lemme just say - it's been raining for a whole entire straight week. It's kinda weird. Almost biblical. It's supposed to stop today. That cold front can't move in quickly enough for me - I woke up this morning WARM - Ugh. Being too warm in bed is on my top 5 list of pet peeves.

It's been lovely the last two days of not having to go Anywhere... got a week plus off from walking Casey. I miss him of course, but I do love my whole stay at home days.

Oh... something else that may have affected by mood lately is mom and I had a whole 'nother blowup thingy. She called to tell me Mr. French had a heart attack, and then went into a story about another neighbor, and she didn't like what I said - as usual - and wanted to hang up on me! Just because I didn't agree with her 100% and didn't go along with the script in her head. UGH. Then she pulled another infamous trick - "I'm boring you aren't I", No mom, I'm just tired. Plus this conversation is draining me. "What do you mean" It's just upsetting to realize some things will never change "Then I guess you won't miss me when I'm gone"
ARGH

She really and truly drives me crazy sometimes. As in - I would Think I'm crazy if I didn't know for sure I'm not, and didn't have M here to listen to me, and at least my end of most conversations, to reassure me I AM sane.
I can sorta go along with a theory on reincarnation that you choose your parents before you're born, to help you learn the lessons you need to in this lifetime, but... Honest to god. Sometimes I don't get why I chose my Particular parents.... I mean... I'll be sorting out why I had my father for the rest of my life.
Mom told me more things about him yesterday that just makes me wanna go rattle his 10 yr old grave and give him what for!!! What a Prick! As far as men go, he really was just scum - the kind of man I'd stay 10000000 miles away from. Thank Dog that M is the total opposite of him. That's why I married him of course. :)
The only thing I've been sad about in that area is that M has in common with dad a "handy" aspect... he does so much around the house and yard for us... He doesn't need help or training, but, since construction etc was dad's profession, there have been times when I thought, gee, woulda been sorta nice to have dad here to help us with this. And he woulda loved doing it.

My whole life, 3 things were most important to him - my weight, my salvation and my relationship, or lack thereof. I found M 2 years after dad died. I dunno...
it's just weird to work out crap with your parents after they're dead. It sucks because I REALLY want to yell at him, and hold him accountable for sooooo many crappy things he did... to me, to mom, to other people...
It'll be a lifelong struggle to continuously consciously let it go.

On a more positive note - recently reconnected with a groovy gal here in RI that I met thru a newsgroup before we moved here.... hoping to go down to her neck of the woods and visit sometime soon. Would be great to have an actual friend here finally.
It's just so difficult, it seems, to make new friends as an adult.

Lady is still working out fabulously. I'm so glad she's part of our family now. She just couldn't get along with everyone any better. Yesterday, Trixie even licked her back after she came back in from the rain! awwwww I don't know if she knew she was licking Lady's back, or if it was just so familiar to her, since Lady is so much like Max, and has his same hair and coloring. If she's able to recognize that fact, and make that connection, it must be a little confusing to her.
awww Mister. We still miss you so much. We miss your personality, your smiles, your hugs, all your cute little quirks and habits.. well, can't say we miss the farting, but... we have Fartgirl here to help out with that - it's almost like you're still here in a way. ; )
love you forever, Maximillion. You'll always be the first man I truly loved.

INXS performing already!!!

2005-09-21T08:00:00.000-04:00

For my fellow JD lovers out there, take note - it looks like they'll be on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on Friday night!!!! Whoo hooooo

THE WINNER!!!!!!

2005-09-20T23:24:00.000-04:00

Ain't he purty????
Yeaaaaaaaaaa - JD won!
The new lead singer of, our band, INXS.
:)

My girl Janelle didn't win Big Brother, but, I know she'll do more than fine, as will Howie and Kaysar....

However - JD (easily) beat out Mig and Marty tonight.
Some of them were really good, but there just wasn't any question who should lead this band, following on the heels of Michael Hutchence.
I don't get the hatas out there... so he had an 'attitude' - it was Confidence and Dreams, man! It was destiny... and I will soooo buy the new CD.

God it was so freaking humid today. UGH.
Just rather unbearable. I can't live on a day like this. AND - got a lovely migraine to top it off.
That was fun. Took 1 1/2 Imitrex to get rid of it. When you only have 18 for the month, that's bad.

Sweetie was just looking at the Schnauzer magazine I got today at Petsmart.
Never cared about reading breed-specific things before, since I don't really care what breed my babies are when they come to me. But, especially after getting Lady, and seeing how "Beagley" she is, and having lived with Lulu's unique traits for 2 years, and trying to treat her skin problems, decided to look them up. Lulu is SUCH a Schnauza - it's so funny.
Tonight when Sweetie came home, she sang such a song!! She does every day, mostly for him, but this one was truly different. She's so funny.
Hearing the excerpts he read led me to look up Schnauzer rescues online, and while I didn't find any close to me - NOT that we're looking - just wanted to see what the resources are out there - again, logged onto a site that showed me all the other local babies who URGENTLY need homes.
:(
It's so sad.. There was one especially, Calamity Jane, a Staffordshire Terrier, whose owners just gave her up one day, at 8 yrs old, and walked away. How can people live with themselves??? HOW can they abandon their babies????????
Seriously.
If I was making a life change where I had to ultimately take my dog or cat to a shelter and just Leave it - I would be making a different life change!!!! Nothing is written in stone... Life is ALL about choice!! "My new apartment won't take pets" - then DON'T MOVE THERE!!!
"my new S.O. doesn't like my pet" - THEN DUMP THEM!
Oh, this is rich - I went to Petsmart today, like I mentioned, and there were several kitties in there... reading their tags about why they were "surrendered" - UGH! "Travel too much", "allergies", "peed on the floor" - GEE, you ASSHOLES! WHY did you get them in the first place?????
My cat peed on the floor too! You know why??? She had a UTI! Duh! Which she is now on medicine for, and she's getting better. My poor Max messed on the floor many many times in the last couple years. Yes, it was tiresome at times, but... he was our BABY. Our FAMILY. We found ways around it, ways to cope.... You DO what you Gotta DO! And when it's a member of your FAMILY - there should not be any confusion as to what to do!!!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
THIS is why I hate people so much sometimes. Honestly. The ignorance and apathy and just general all around incompetence at LIFE astounds and infuriates me.

Cutest little girl ever

2005-09-18T15:34:00.000-04:00

We just watched "In America" last night (thanks Netflix!), and one of the girls in it was the most precious thing I've ever seen. I hadn't really cared about seeing it - the little I read didn't spark my interest, but Sweetiedarling did, so, there ya go.
It was actually really good (4 stars). If we have an Aerin one day, I'd love it if she were like little Ariel in this movie.

Lil LadyLoo is working out so well. She's finally learned how to use the little stool to get up on the bench which gets her up on the bed (it's a tall bed). She pretty much lets us know when she has to go out.. though, when I'm home, I let them out all the time. She loves the food (Merrick, esp. Turducken!), seems to really enjoy having the company of two doggie sisters and two kitty sisters. And she Really has taken to Michael. She wags her tail like crazy when he's around.
So... I don't really have any bitterness towards her former owners. They obviously cared for and loved her a great deal, and gave her lots of love. The only thing that troubles me is sometimes when I go to pet her, she flinches a bit at my hand near her face. Don't wanna even think why that is, but, it IS getting better, as she realizes we would never strike her.

ONE WEEK til Fi comes!! I can't Wait!!! Can't Can't Can't Wait!!! : )
8 years is entirely too long between visits... last time she flew me to D.C. to stay for... hmm.. not sure how many days it was, but enough to do some sightseeing.. at the Zoo, and the Smithsonian, where we saw a fabulous showing of Lord Leighton's work, amongst others.
The cherry blossoms were in full bloom then.. probably the best time to see the Capital. And it was during Clinton's term, and well before anything scary had happened. So, it was all good.
She and I have been all over the globe since then... me moving to San Francisco from Indiana, and then back across the country again to here in Rhode Island with the love of my life...
She also drove all over the country and now is far far away on a tiny island with the love of her life...
It's all good. :)

Sweetie helped me SO MUCH yesterday, cleaning up the blue room. Dang - I shoulda taken a before pic. It was Really bad. But it's damn near livable now.. just need to finish organizing and sorting, and then cleaning, and it'll be all set for Fi to stay in.
Moved the futon up to the office - gonna try to lure the cats to start staying in there instead of the blue room... ordered a yellow pleather cover, which we hope will be better at repelling Bella's hair, which just goes Everywhere.
Today he chopped down a lot of our front bushes... going to do something out there next spring... either much better plantings, or build a proper porch. The little cement stoop ain't all that groovy, though it's ok. If Sweetie can do it, I think a porch would be fab.
Couldn't have a cuter little house here. I love it.

though..... drove to Karen's the other day, to pick up some meds for the dogs, and Max's records, and it was like another world out there. "South County" - which is not actually the name of ANY county in RI, but rather, a regional name that everyone here understands - is soooo different than the rest of the state. Reminded me so much of my house in Nashville Indiana, where I spent 6 lovely years all by myself.
And it was perfect, weather wise... a bit overcast, everything dewy and misty from a good solid rain the day before, not too hot... not cold enough to be chilled... and GREEN GREEN GREEN everywhere... lots and lots of trees and plants and bushes and... Ohhhhh... soooo lovely. Another world. I listened to my Antigone Rising cd, and it was perfect. Put me in a whole 'nother state of mind, which I seem to have needed, and which I'm trying to hang onto.

Time to go make a yummy meatloaf for dinner. Sweetie is off to Lowe's, getting boy stuff.

Anybody have any Netflix suggestions - your fave movies?? I have over 300 in my queue, but always up for ideas.

Hey ya'll!

2005-09-15T21:48:00.000-04:00

I sure would love it if any of you passers-by would drop me a comment!! :)

I've just passed the 100 visitor mark... with nary a comment to show for it. :(

Purty please??
Let me know what your blog is so I can drop by.... love meeting new people. Don't let me sit here at this table all by my lonesome.....

thanks much.

Being a Pisces, I love water, but....

2005-09-15T17:45:00.000-04:00

these are my babies.... Lulu, Schmoop and my Big Man in the back.
i miss him a lot.
i want him back.
:(

Not flooding the streets and not coming thru my kitchen ceiling.
Let me explain...
It's been as dry as the Sahara here this summer... hardly a rainfall to be had since May.
Not to say the air hasn't been a drippy mother, but... the land is parched. Thirsty as all hell.
So today we get our second big rain of the summer.. and it freaking FLOODS the place!!!
Couldn't make it to walk Casey even. Feel bad about that. Poor bubbaloo. Hope he held out ok.

So, when I got home, a lil bubble bath was in order... felt great.. didn't soak as long as I wanted or coulda, but... kinda wanted to just come to bed and watch tv.
Well, that didn't happen either.
Went downstairs to let the dogs out, and saw the kitchen floor was minorly flooded. And the ceiling giving me my second rainshower for the day.
Fucking plumbers. They were supposed to have fixed that shit two years ago.
Seems the stopper came undone in the water, and our antiquated system... well... let's just say all the dots aren't connected.
So... luckily for me, my honey is a handy dandy dude, and he thinks he can make it better tomorrow with a couple parts from Durfee.

Sooooooo.... I'd say the day has rather been a dud. Except for (shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) my head didn't hurt.

Survivor started tonight.
The person I thought would leave first was Not it. Typically, the oldest dude went first. Didnt help he Broke His BICEP!!! Ugh.
First leg took down Bobby John for crying out loud - I could NEVER do that show!
Not if you GAVE me a Million just for Doing it!

My girl

2005-09-15T00:56:00.000-04:00

she'd kill me if she knew i put this up... but.. i love it.
my little girl.... not quite 'all grown up', but... definitely getting there.
isn't she beautiful?

Zomig

2005-09-15T00:28:00.000-04:00

....my wonder drug for the day.
Have a few days til I can refill anything else - had one spray of Zomig left.. suffered with pain ALLL day, trying to get it to go away organically... nuthin doin.
After watching mom take so many drugs for so many years, I hate to admit I need and depend on any, but... i've been dealt this card, and relief like this didn't exist when I first started getting them.
I lost so many days of work, and school... no one seemed to understand what a "Migraine" was.... think they just saw me as weak and unable to deal with a 'little headache' or something.

whatever.

So.... Janelle fell off the dial last night, but apparently won round 2 today, so, Yea Janelle!
And JD is in the final 3 - as if there was any doubt!
He is soooo going to win.

I slept til freaking NOON today. Literally.
And getting up Then was a true struggle... only did because I had to go walk Casey, and let my own dogs out. Otherwise, I might have laid here all day.
I'm not sure what is going on with me.
I just have no energy, I'm tired, don't care to go out unless necessary....
I don't think I'm depressed though. I mean, I feel ok about life and stuff. I just like being home. And I like staying up late... always have. And it's been fucking HOT forever, and I just can't deal, so why shouldn't I stay in my cool dark cave all day???? Huh???

The only downside, frankly, to being so tired all the time, and dealing with these goddamned headaches so much, is my backlog of things to read and watch is Seriously a problem. My tivo is full up, I have stacks upon stacks of magazines and books I wanna read.. there are a Gajillion blogs and stuff I wanna read online....
Not to mention my house is a wreck and I need to keep it tidier. I need to hire a cleaning lady though. Never been fond of "cleaning". I Love making things look nice, and organizing, but the cleaning part, eh.
I can't have Fi seeing I live like a pig! Gotta get all those dust bunnies outta here!!!

Oh.. so in addition to reconnecting with Brini recently, and talking to Fi more and more and plus she's coming to visit... heard from Sunny today. An email out of the blue. She's been in my thoughts over these many months... haven't liked having that hanging out there, but... sometimes, space and time is needed in a relationship. And if you care about that person, when you hook back up, that 'void' shouldn't matter all that much. Not like you can do anything about it anyway.
Now if I could only figure out how to resolve the Lisa thing. THAT is seriously hanging over me.

However, what Is NOT hanging over me are my inlaws.
I don't miss them at all.
In fact, I think I saw K today.. he teaches in my town. Ugh. There was a new 'Wife Swap' on the other night, and this dad from Mass - I SWEAR he coulda been K's twin. M even thought so.
I can't, and won't, deal with him anymore.
I was ok with him before... was happy to have him at my wedding.. happy to have him as part of my family... happy that M was able to be around his brother at times..
but then, I *saw* the REAL person he is. And, that ain't for me. It's been 6 months since we spoke, and I think it's gonna be a lifetime before we ever do again. I'm clearly not his cup of tea - he made that VERY evident. And now, because of things that were said - nor is he mine. And I'm am Totally Fine with that.
Just as I'm totally fine with not ever talking to my dad's family again.
I thought of them the other day... thinking, gee, if I'm almost 40, then, a lot of them are Really Old now... wonder who else has dropped dead that I have no idea about?
It's not like I don't care about some of them, or wish I could be in touch... but.... in TEN YEARS since dad died - WHO amongst them has ever reached out to me? His only child. The only one who lived far away from the family. The only one with no other relatives to speak of.
Only Aunt Shirley, bless her. That was years ago now, but, it was something at least.
If dad knew how they Really were, he'd turn over in his grave.
But I know, and that's enough.

Elyse seems to have dropped off the face of the earth though. We haven't talked in like 2 months. She gets so busy with her life.... and she doesn't do email, which makes it tougher. Can't even drop her a line. But, some people, you just have to take them as they are, whether you 10o% like it or not. I don't like being judged, so it's not for me to judge her life choices. Lord knows I have before... a very Major life choice, but... what's done is done.

My life is awfully limited these days though. Without much people interaction that is. So, will I be able to still find things to write about? A daily blather seems ok. I mean, it's still ME.
Though, I did call ProActiv today and order some stuff. The people there are SO NICE on the phone. It's a pleasant surprise. Usually you get surly sorts, or those who want to rush you off the line. But those ProActiv folks - couldn't be nicer.

Have been enjoying my hour+ long soaks in the tub lately. I usually take them when I just Really need to Feel like I'm relaxing and unwinding... which includes when I've gotten overheated and frazzled, like today. Having to go out in the Hot Bright Sun when I have a migraine, and drive.. that's enough for me. Got home, filled the tub, and just Soaked for a spell. Called the proactiv folks tubside. :) Enjoyed a nice glass of my ginger peach iced tea. mmmm

Wish I could spend more time with my baby though.
Wish he/we could figure out a way for him to work from home.
HOLY CRAP.
WE missed our Anniversary yesterday!!!!!!!
Sept. 13 - 8 years!!!!!

HONEY!!!

:(

How could we do that???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dammit.

'course, we have THREE anniversaries. Jan. 6 - we met online.
A year later Jan 6 - we got engaged.
Sept. 13 - met in person, and started living together.
June 5 - got married.

Geez. that's a bummer. Well, I'll just have to remind him tomorrow, and he'll just have to bring me home sumpthin purty to make up for it. :)

Need to start carrying my camera again

2005-09-14T00:09:00.000-04:00

Tired of going thru the same pics every time I post... and I love the blogs that have a current daily pic to put with their writing. Like Torrie - she rocks. http://iprettymuchhateeverything.blogspot.com .

Um.. yeah, so the whole posting thing last night didn't quite work out for me.
Woke up with a BUGGER of a headache early morning.
Thank dog for my backup Zomig. Fucking stuff costs 50 bucks - for 6 doses!!! And that is 'supposed' to last a month. Yeah right. I've got THREE different medications to help me get thru every freaking month and these headaches. And sometimes, like this month, that still ain't enough.
the whole subject makes me weary.

So... GO JANELLE! GO J.D.!!!!
I love them both and hope they win their respective shows.
JD did awesome on Rock Star tonight... INXS wanted to hear 'Pretty Vegas' AGAIN! Whooo!
And they're working poor Janie on that damn dial... it's moving fast right now. Can't believe she took her sweater off while she was moving! RISKY JANIE!
I see stupid Maggie still has her stupid gloves on. I hope her hands are all sweaty and shit. GOD - those two sheep canNOT end up in the final 2!!!
It HAS to be Janie.... even if those other beeyatches don't give her the money - she'll still be the winner. Wow - this is a Tough competition.
When I've thought about how it would be nice to do this show, I always forget about how brutal some of these comps are. I could NOT do this. Wonder how long they'll go?

Saw my girl Kate yesterday, and today.
A high schooler. All grown up.
She came home with her girlfriend and THREE guys. They're hanging all over her, as I knew they would... she's got a lifetime of that coming methinks.
I miss seeing her as much, and the others, but.... definitely time to wind down from there...
Six years, nearly, is quite a haul. A few of those years.. pretty rough. But, they all came thru it, I came thru it, and, I feel so good about what I did with that family.

omg - i'm So distracted by the Hoh Comp! Who's going to slip first????
I so think Maggie will.

Lil Lady did good at the vet today. As clean a bill of health as one could expect at 13 yrs old.
So glad she's ours now.

Well, clearly I'll have to come back here once someone wins this round.
I can't take it!!!!!

A post a day keeps the migraine away....?

2005-09-13T01:02:00.000-04:00

Oh heck, let's give it a whirl.
Something's gotta work. I'm so tired of these fucking headaches I could scream. Except, screaming would just make me want to bash my head in... which could, in turn, relieve some of this pain, but, hell... seems awfully extreme to me.

Over half my life now, suffering with these things. Thanks dad. I know it's your damn genes that gave them to me. That, or the possibly near-fatal car crash I had at 17 that knocked my brain around a bit. Either way, I'm tired of it.

I'm gonna try an experiment... to actually blog something every dang day, and see what happens.
I mean, the blogs I like, I check for something new every day, and if they don't have something, I'm all bummed and stuff.

I think it's a matter of thinking - well, crap, my day/life wasn't so special, what's to write about?
But, I think just the act of opening the lid and letting the top spill out, perhaps if I try to keep it balanced like that, I'll be able to get to the underside stuff and help myself out in the process.
I've enjoyed writing for some time... nonfiction that is. Don't know how to write fiction.. I mean, I could figure it out I suppose - I've tried a smidge. But I find it boring to write.
At the moment, the things I like to read parallel me in some way - this stage of my life, or this age, or... something that mirrors a past experience or something.
There was a book by a girl from Indiana http://www.havenkimmel.com/... a girl named zippy... she's roughly the same age as me, and she wrote about being a kid in the 70s...
I like that kind of thing - helps me with my own memories, opens the floodgates a bit.
I've had so many COMPLETELY different segments of my life, that do not relate to another in any way, except that they're just part of me.
Whole chunks of my life that I have memory of, in a vague sense only sometimes, that no longer exist... either because of space, or time, or death, or estrangement...

I have One person alive who knows my story. My whole story. Me. Inside and out. For the most part. When she's gone... I don't know how I'll feel. As it relates to me, that is.
You dig?
I mean, losing dad was.... traumatic. So sudden and violent, as cancer is. Giving me no chance in those 3 short months to pause and say, Hey, gee... I've got a lotta lose ends I really don't want to live the rest of my life with, so let's clear them up, shall we Pa?
No.. by the time it all started and ended, I was in such a blur I didn't start grieving for over a year.

Mom is the keeper of.... my history. My beginning. My middle. It started to get hazy in that middle somewhere... is anyone's relationship with their parents NOT complicated????????
I really wonder.
If I had a sprog, could I keep that uncomplicated? Could I create all that which I ever wanted, and would want?
A big part of me is ready now.... another part is scared shitless.
Look at my life! How could I not be?????
I think that's part of why I've kept my weight on... it keeps me from 'going there', because I don't wanna be pregnant this heavy. How stupid would that be???

For the past several weeks, I've had every intention of starting my Taebo experience anew... each morning, something "interferes". Tomorrow is no different. Damn cable guy is coming early (we'll see about that), then Lady to the vet, then walking Casey... etc etc.
Eh.

I WILL become the person I want to be.... just not tomorrow.

Can't wait for Fi to be here.
It's BOUND to go loads better than Lisa's visit two years ago.
OY. Fuck. Still not over that one. Have left it hanging, completely unresolved all this time too.
Been thinking about that. It bothers me to have done that to her, but hell.
The first several months, I was too fucking angry to resolve it. Then I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Then I ended up driving myself mad so much with it, combined with the stress from my job the previous two years I ended up on 'goofballs', as Denis Leary would say.
I think they're helping me. Hard to say.

Ok.. here's something.
I've made my last batch of cookie dough. When it's gone, no more.
I have a little of my coconut ice cream left. When it's gone, no more.
There's no other crap in the house... well, ok, I did get some PopTarts.. shouldn't have those here, so when those are gone.....

Need to get off the sugar horse. It's the doom of me.
Exercise might come easier if I wasn't fighting this battle every day. Wouldn't seem so pointless.

Always room for one more

2005-09-12T01:01:00.000-04:00

Well, so here's our new little punkin.
Meet Lady.
Isn't she adorable?
Here's the story - After Katrina, and hearing about all the furry babies struggling, and all the (hopefully) rescues of them, knowing they would need new homes, I surfed around trying to find rescues to sign up with. In my surfing, I happened upon a link for my local shelter, and thought, Eh, I'll just have a look around - something I avoid like the devil because it's so heartbreaking to see the babies who need homes, know they're close by, but not be able to do anything about it because i'm already full up.
Well, I saw Lady's profile. Here it is:

Lady - URGENT 9/9DogBeagle
Size: SmallAge: SeniorSex: FemaleI.D:
Notes: GREAT NEWS! Lady is being adopted by a wonderful family in Cranston. She met her new family tonight and so far so good. We want to thank everyone who opened their hearts to take her in. A FOSTER HOME IS NEEDED BEFORE 9/9!!!!! Please consider fostering Lady until a permanent home is found. Due to a divorce Lady needs to find a home. She is such a love bug and incredibly friendly. For 13, she still has a lot of spunk in her. She's an inside dog, (she's used to being home alone for about 8 hours a day. A puppy pad has been needed recently, which she does use). Lady loves walks!! She's about 27 lbs and in good general health. She's up to date on all shots and has been spayed. She had lyme disease two years ago which was successfully treated. She was adopted herself by this family when she was four years old. She did have a tumor in her abdomen 4 years ago. The surgery was successful and she bounced back quickly. She does have 'reverse sneezes' or coughs when she gets excited. A simple rub of her throat quiets that right down. Because of this, a harness is required instead of a collar. She prefers to play outside rather than play with toys inside. She's very affectionate and housebroken. She just loves to be near people...she's a snuggler! She has been with other dogs and is good with children. She has never exhibited any aggressive tendencies around kids.
This pet is: up to date with routine shots, already house trained, altered

So!
You can see this baby was in dire straits!
We weren't really looking to add to the family, so soon after losing Max.
But, we had agreed when the right one crossed our paths, who needed us, we'd take him or her in.
Max would want it that way. CUTE as they are, we do NOT believe in buying pets, be it pet stores or breeders.
Too many lives to SAVE, for FREE.

So.... we met her, I talked to her crappy parents, who dare give up such a love... and she's been our new baby since Thursday. We couldn't love her more and she's fitting in so well with everyone else, it's amazing.
Today she had fun with the Jack Russell next door, who is a feisty one, and they had a field day. One of the many benefits of a fenced yard.

So, we're heading up to Dog Mountain next month www.huneck.com and she is totally coming with us. The two inns we're staying at are so wonderful - I should give them a mention actually... Inn at Highview in Andover, VT and Two Dog Lodge in Stowe. Can't WAIT!

OH - GREAT GREAT NEWS!
My Fabulous friend, Fi, is coming to visit me in two weeks!!!
I haven't seen her in over 8 years and I've missed her terribly - could NOT be more excited.
She's been all over the freaking planet since then... I helped her move from Indiana to Staten Island. THAT was an adventure, let me tell you.
Then she took a massive road trip across the country, thinking Montana might be the antidote to NYC. Neither place was a fit.
So, she ends up in the Canaries of all places...where I'd hoped to meet up with her at some point, but now she lives in Malta. Sounds so exotic. Maybe I can manage a jaunt there at some point. Haven't been outside the US border yet... though I've seen most of my country. I DO heartily everyone take a solo road trip, as far and as long as you can possibly manage. It's life changing.

I know I've got lots to say, but just haven't felt up to writing lately.
My husband has been doing plenty of talking for the both of us. http://blatherama.blogspot.com
Check him out. He's wicked smart and his posts are fab.

Think I've just been in a real funk since we lost Max.
Plus, August was HELL. UGH. I am NOT a fan of summer, let's just say that.
Fall weather is starting to set in, and I could not be happier.
I'll miss all the green in our backyard... we've worked so hard on it this summer. But, it'll be fun to see how it all sprouts up next spring.
Anyhoo... need to go to bed.
Never enough hours in the day... and life doesn't slow down enough... days tick away like nobody's business.
Lesson for today - truly learn to *enjoy* EACH moment of life.

The Big Easy

2005-09-03T00:47:00.000-04:00

Funny... that's one of my favorite movies, with Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin.

Had planned to go there one day, perhaps Mardi Gras, perhaps a quieter time of year, but... I've heard nothing but good about it (except for the humidity, which I just can't take).

It's been so difficult to process the week...
I knew the storm was bad over the weekend... I mean, they almost cancelled the MTV Video awards! No, but really... there are so many weather 'incidents', and the weatherpeople always blow them up equally, which is to say Huge. Perhaps that's part of why so many didn't take it as seriously as they shoulda.
It's not like anyone coulda predicted what happened, exactly, but, measures could have been taken to help prevent this unholy mess.
Such as - strengthening the damn levees for one! Budget cuts on that??? What is that about??!
All major cities, not to mention every town and every family, should have an emergency plan lined up. The powersthatbe should have drills and plans for what to do should X Y or Z happen.
Terrorists, weather, whatever....
But it seems everyone has their head up their ass, and think things will always be hunky dory.. or will always happen to people "over there".....

I went out today to do some errands. Thought it was a sort of cool day, so wore my capris and a knit shirt and my Birkies. Was fine in the car with the AC, but once I got overwarm doing something, I couldn't cool down. Kept having to drink something, wipe my brow with a damp paper towel, and get back in the air.
I took my blood pressure pills right before I left, so, increasing, had to go to the 'ladys room'. But, was in a hurry, and driving, so... forward ho.
Then all the fucking drivers out there seemed to be just complete idiots. MAJOR smashup on the highway, actually, think I saw about 3 wrecks today... and people just totally doing whatever the fuck they wanted, without regard to other drivers around them.
I didn't set out in the car pissy, but increasingly, the hotter I got, the more I had to pee, and had a headache coming on... I was just like GRRRR. Couldn't wait to get home and change my clothes and chill out in my AC'd bedroom watching tv and surfing.

Now, I say all this because.... many many times this week I have so empathized with those poor poor folks. Without ANY of the conveniences I had today - a fresh shower, a couple meals, plenty to drink whenever I wanted, accessible bathrooms - whether I chose to use them or not, a car, with AC, able to come home and be by myself, a change of clothes, brushing my teeth, access to the outside world.......
I mean, they have had NONE of these things, for DAYS. It is UnConCeivable!!!
And the NERVE of fucking Trent Fucking Lott to say, "this isn't a time to complain", getting all pissy with Anderson Cooper on CNN - what an ASSHOLE.
Not to mention those folks are watching people drop dead right in front of them and just pushing them to the side b/c there's nothing else to do with them!

I just don't understand.
No one does, and no one has a good fucking answer.
HOOOOWWWWW is this, the U.S. of A, the "BEST", the Richest, nation in the world??????
How could our own people live like that for even a full day, let alone all fucking week??!!!!!
All the needless deaths..... that Could and Should have been prevented.

And the animals. I can't help but think about them. Poor poor babies.... the N. G. not letting people take them on the buses to Texas... Oh My God. They make it thru the biggest natural disaster ever, carrying their bundles of fur, and are told they have to just Leave them.
And then all the ones left behind when evacuating.
I can't stand it.

So much suffering.
I know it goes on all over the world. I want that to end too.
But to see it like this, close up, happening moment by moment, is just... life changing.

We've already begun talk about our own plans if something were to happen here.
I bought extra jugs of water today. Extra leashes to keep in the car. Planning to make a list of Exactly what to pack if we only had 5 minutes to get out. From clothes to wear to momentos to take in case we lost everything else. I don't want to ever be in that kind of situation if I can help it.
I watch Survivor every year and while I enjoy it, I've always said I could NEVER be on that show b/c I couldn't be without all my 'necessities' of life. And here these people are, living it.

So sad. I feel fragmented... broken into a million pieces, because, like 9/11, everything I thought I knew before is different.

J.D. FORTUNE

2005-08-16T23:52:00.000-04:00

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Meet my latest crush!
He's on the Rockstar:INXS show, and OMG, he is sooo good.
Honestly.
here's a link to his msn blog: http://spaces.msn.com/members/RockstarJDFortune/PersonalSpace.aspx?_c=

Plus, you can download the songs he's done on the CBS site I believe.
I've loved Everything he's done... there's something so original about him... and the ONLY one on the show I can see even coming close to Michael Hutchence.
If, for some unholy reason he doesn't win, I still can't wait to buy his first album.
I like Jordis too, if they went that direction, but my heart is set on J.D.
:)
Just had to share him with you all...

Big Brother

2005-08-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

is Sooo addictive.
Have watched it since the first season.
I'm sooo BUMMED about Kaysar leaving - the Dummy! 14 hours in the cooker to give it to that dumb broad??? OY

In a 'middle' kind of place today...
feeling meloncholy about Max... having hormonal instabilities... was going to start working out - ie. Taebo, but, ended up sleeping all morning. Did practice a few kicks though - realized, Hey, I actually DO like working out, when I do it!
So, am feeling hopeful about tomorrow. Need to just get up, throw some clothes on, and do it.
No other way is it going to happen, yes?
Disappointed to see that the Taebo site is now a paid subscription. I might give it a try though. It is SUCH a good workout, and I totally saw results last time I really got into it.

Hmm... realizing I've told some people I know IRL about this blog, so, actually don't feel as free as I did initially to just freely write stream of consciousness....
damn.

I dunno, just feeling sorta...... floaty. Not here, not there... just... around.
The BB feeds are only showing the annoying group now - after having the Fishies on for about an hour - GRRR
Might as well close up shop and lay down to read myself to sleep.

After all, Scarlett, tomorrow IS anotha day.....

Favourite painting

2005-08-11T08:19:00.000-04:00

How do you do a short post?

2005-08-11T08:02:00.000-04:00

I have no clue, apparently.
I know they've been doozies so far, but.... I've always been like this. This is where and how I best express myself - on the keyboard. It just flows (thank DOG I took typing in high school - typing well is muy importante - and back in the day, there weren't even computers to worry about - had to learn the old-timey way, PUSHING those damn keys DOWN... HARD... Ow! And then, Oh Crap - typo - backspacing, getting the little white out papers, retyping the key til the ink was covered, etc etc. Yeah, wads of fun)

Anyhoo, as I was saying.... it just flows.
Maybe it's cause I don't actually have many people to talk to.
I have M. But, you know, beyond daily conversational stuff, I still have lots going on inside, things I need to work out, things I need to make tangible by writing about it....

So, let's see...
Took Mom Simone to the airport this morning. Bright and early. Makes sense - we live one exit from the airport - why should she pay 100 bucks for parking??
Stopped on way home to get my latte, croissanwich and some donuts. yeah, not a great start, but i do love it. Yum.
Guess I won't be exercising today. Don't know what it's going to take to get me back on that road... can't seem to get there from here. :(

Haven't talked to Elyse in forever. She's so busy with her life.. and lords knows I've been there - am Loving and Thankful for my current life of not much to be accountable for. Haven't nannied in two weeks... I feel like partly, Laura is just being respectful of my mourning period. Without having talked to her, I know she knows this is not a good time for me.
So, just go over to walk Casey every day. Some days I wish I didn't have to do that - could just stay home in bed all day... 'course, i do that Before and After i walk Casey most days, but...
i guess it's good he gets me out of the house.
And that my own babies force me to get up every now and then to take them out.
Just not wanting to do much. Especially now in the summer. Ick.
Can't wait til we get our first real cool day. Guess I'll be waiting a while longer. Supposed to be 92 and Very Humid today. Oh joy.

Was actually up til 3 last night... think my mind wouldn't turn off knowing I had to get up super early today. Went to bed midnightish, but got up to get a book I left by the tub, checked my email, and started piddling.
Cleaned up some of my office.... cleaned and rolled up Max's cooling mat. Trying to figure out what to do with it. Going to see if Casey likes it when he stays with us in a couple weeks. If not, then going to see if Shelby wants it. If not, then maybe I'll see if I can donate it to a shelter for other hot doggies.
Going to put Max's big bed in the truck for the 2 little babies to be able to sit in when we go out.
I think it'll work out.
I don't want to get rid of it. It's His bed. And besides, it's still perfectably usable (I DO love my good finds at Homegoods!). But I def. don't need it in the house anymore.
:(
It's difficult moving things that were Max's, or changing our routines.
Last night, M. closed the door to the basement, to keep the cats out now. Only reason it was open before was for Mister to go down and do his business, once it got out of control. Thank DOG we moved in this house when we did. For him to begin his decline, he couldn't have been in a better place. Fireplace, fenced yard, comfy bed, cooling mat, yummy foods, full water bowls (4 total) always, love from the other 4, and of course us....

I'm feeling super tired now. Think I'll turn the light out for a nice nap.

Losing Max

2005-08-10T00:19:00.000-04:00

http://www.dogster.com/pet_page.php?i=165918&j=t

Well, this week has totally sucked.
I think I'm finally ready to talk about it a little.
I already have, some, to a few caring friends.... but words, spoken or written, just can't possibly describe the scope of my feelings.

I lost my beautiful man last Thursday, August 4. THE. WORST. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE.
It's still 'sinking in'.
Sank in a little more today - we got his remains back. :(
So he's now sitting on top of the fireplace he loved to sit in front of so much. In the winter, on his cushion, in front of a roaring fire. In the summer, on the cool brick tile with the fan blowing on him.
I love him so much. This hurt is killing me. I knew it was coming. Had briefly thought about it many times, trying to tell myself I should be "prepared."
But any pet guardian knows this - you can never be prepared for this moment.

Watching the life slip out of him, very very very quickly - I wanted time to stand still. To go backwards. To not have that happening.
But... I keep trying to tell myself that the moment had come when he was truly going to be suffering. His jaw swelled up so much thru the day, it was becoming very difficult for him to even swallow. I saw the new tumor on the roof of his mouth. He had to have felt that with his tongue. He knew he was sick, but he wanted to stay with us as much as we wanted him to. He fought so hard and long and valiantly. He was a warrior. So so so beautiful.

My only comfort is knowing I gave him the best life I possibly could, these last 13 years, and he is no longer sick, or weak, or panting, or thirsty, or tired... he is restored now, to his full glory.
I couldn't have loved him any more, and I'm so honoured he chose me, those many years ago, to be his primary human companion and caretaker.

Tonight I took Lucy, my Schnauzer out at bedtime. She and I went out to the front first... she just sniffed around and came back in. I could tell she actually had to go, so I took her out back.
Walked the stone path with her to the bench, and sat and waited patiently. She just stood there, listening... watching...
She was very alert, very on guard... finally I saw she just wasn't going to do anything, so we started to come back in. Again, she sniffed everything, but as we walked onto the driveway, she walked over to the spot in front of the garage door where Max loved to lay, and sniffed and paused there. I said, Oh Lulu, is Max here?
Yes, he is here. He's back home with us, where he belongs. I'm having a special urn made for him, to keep forever. I was going to order a celtic cross one, to honour his Irish heritage, but, I came across the most wonderful artist in Colorado who handcrafts each one ordered.
She's at: www.cheerspottery.com
She also makes other clay things, but if you're ever going to be in the market for a pet urn, this is the place to go. I'll let you know how it turns out.

It was exactly 4 months from the last time he was truly healthy, til his last day with us.
In that time he first nearly left us from undiagnosed diabetes. We caught it and began treating him and were amazed at how *LIFE* sprang back into him. His panting and drinking decreased dramatically, he literally had a spring in his step for the first time in ages, he jumped up on the bed with us.... it was a blessing to experience that with him again. Then he had a tumor on his tail rupture, and had to have the whole thing amputated. His beautiful tail. There were complications with that, but, with the loving care of our wonderful vet Karen, he kept bouncing back. Not as fully as we would have liked, but, we were just grateful to have him at all.

We kept check on him, to make sure, each day, that he was happy, comfortable, and had everything he needed. I never missed a dose of his pills and peanut butter. He wouldn't let me!
He'd come to me and just Look at me, with those big brown eyes, and I knew what time it was! :)
He began having a lot of trouble coming up the stairs. I walked behind him, and helped lift his weight, putting my hands around his chest and moving him forward and up. He could've chosen to stay downstairs, but he loved being in our room, and being on his cooling mat. He just wanted to be with us... so whatever it took, we did what was possible to make that happen.

til....
Thursday morning, I noticed him looking strangely. Not his appearance, at first, but, I saw him on his mat, and he would sorta suddenly look off into space... as if he was looking *at* something. Never done that before, so I took note.
Being the usual time to go outside for our midmorning potty break, I was uncomfortable when he didn't want to get up. I knew he needed to go... so I lured him downstairs with the peanut butter. He always perked right up when he smelled it... he came down, and just planted himself at the water bowl. I let him, as long as he wanted. That's when I noticed the swelling of his jaw. It looked full. And hard. And uncomfortable. Called M. to come home at lunch, and took Max out back. He did his business, and then planted himself at the bowl outside. And it didn't appear he was going to move anytime soon. I knew there was something different about all of this...
I ran in to get a bottle of water, and came out and arranged a stack of stones we had left over from our path, and sat next to him. I planned to sit there as long as he wanted.
After some time, he finally got up, and came up the deck stairs, wanting to go in.
Ok, Mister. Whatever you want.
He seemed confused as to what to do, so I got him on his fireplace tiles, and turned the fan on.
Things were just not looking good.
I pulled up a cushion, and just sat with him, stroking him, waiting for M to get home.
Finally he did, bringing our lunch, and saying we had a 4:00 appt with Karen.
I had to run out for a couple hours to walk Casey, but came right home. In retrospect, if I'd Really believed time was running out, I wouldn't have left. But, I know that also gave M. alone time with Max, as I'd had... so that's ok.
We both just sat with him... watching him... watching his jaw get worse, seeing him struggle to swallow... not wanting to even really drink water, like it hurt or something...
We left a little early for the vet, to beat traffic and to just be there to get him looked at.

As with everything else that day, he was a trooper.... walked out to the truck, and up his little ramp we got him, and enjoyed the ride as he always had. He was smiling at us, being as wonderful as he always has been.
Walked the yard at the vet's office, and finally went in.
We weighed him first... he was down to 51 pounds.
He used to weigh nearly 80.
Karen got us right in....
in short order, let us know that it was time.
The tumor around his eye that we thought had disappeared had not only reemerged, but it had spread all thru his face and jaw, and was now blocking lymph nodes, hence the absurdly fast swelling. That's when she pointed out the tumor in his mouth.

M. and I had discussed, briefly, before we got there, what if Karen can't fix this?
Of course the answer is - I don't want to say that it's ok, but.... I don't want him to suffer. And he's clearly really beginning to....

So, Karen gave us time with him... to hold him.. to tell him a million times how much we love him, to kiss him, to let the tears flow, to try and make sense of this horrible moment that was happening....
no amount of time would've ever possibly been enough.... finally... we told her to come in.
She and an assistant shaved him front leg, and she explained what would happen. I knew it would be fast, from what my mom told me she went thru with our poodle, Babi, just last year.
We both held him, I had his head in my hands, kissing his nose and head, tears flowing, telling him over and over and over.... i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you.....................................................................................................................

So so so quickly, too fast, the shot was administered and in a heartbeat his panting slowed, his face showed an expression I'll never forget, and his eyes lowered and his beautiful head lowered to rest on his other front leg.... and ........ he was gone.
just like that.
before i could process it... before i was ready.... before i told him i loved him one more time....

oh god.
GOD
This PRICE to pay for all the love I've given and received..... I wouldn't change a single moment of sharing his life - only that I'd been home even more than I was, to share just one more moment with him... but this Pain....................
It actually does feel proportionate to the amount of love and devotion I felt for him....
even though I still have my loving husband of course, who also loved him as i did.. and we have our other four babies to love and care for..... there is such an emptiness now....
the spots all over the house and yard where he liked to lay.... the routines we had with him... the multiple potty breaks thru the day that he needed.... the looking to see where he was and checking to see if he's ok and still breathing....

all gone

he's not here

in body

i know he's still with us

he would never leave Trixie alone, for one
and he knows much much we need him. even now. forever.
we are his home. he belongs with us.
i don't mind if he goes off to play with the other dogs now and then... as long as he always comes back to me.

a couple of beautiful people have passed on the 'rainbow bridge' poem to me...
indeed... max and i shall cross it together one day...
he is a part of me, and always will be...
existing on earth together, in these forms, is only part of our journey...

i have eternity to love and cherish him... and i shall.

i love you Max

Gardening at Midnight

2005-07-11T01:20:00.000-04:00

Ok bitches. Listen right now - if I ever write a book, I'm titling it Gardening at Midnight - so don't any of ya'll steal it. Consider it officially TRADEMARKED. k??

So... quite a day. Slept in - good. Woke up to pee and get more water - ok. Hearing Max's nails on the floor downstairs over and over, running down to see what was going on and finding him stranded and bleeding and unable to get up from the stairwell - Horrible. God. Not how I planned to start a lazy, hot Sunday.
Poor Mister. Yelled for hon to get the hell up and help me.... after wiping up all kinds of mess, and soothing my scared man, helped him up the 3 stairs to the kitchen for a drink, and then outside to chill out. Who knows what actually happened, or how long he was there alone, but, he hurt his nub and it was bleeding all over. On top of the diahhrea plaguing him for the last coupla weeks.
After lots of hugs and reassurance, called Karen, who first advised, then brought her doggie doctor butt over here to check him out. Love Karen.
She's getting us a med to pick up tomorrow... going next Sat. anyway. She didn't seem too awfully worried, so, I stopped putting out those vibes too. Spent the whole day with him, chilling out in the living room while he laid on the fireplace bricks sleeping.

It's so hard, this line we must now constantly walk every day. Knowing his age, and conditions, yet seeing how alert he is, how much he enjoys his days and our life together.... wanting him to live forever, but knowing a very sad day is to come.... sometime... when? Will we have to make "the choice" or will he do it on his own. Will I be there? Will he let me comfort him those last moments? Lulu and Trix sensed something was off all day. Lulu's face, so full of expression, esp now with her haircut, spoke all I was feeling.

So... he came up tonight, laid on his cooling mat. Hon is out cold, and I hope he keeps sleeping - he's always tired, and being woken up at night never helps. I happened to be up at midnight when I saw Max go get a drink of water in the bathroom. Hopped up to try to get him to go out once more, as he's drank a Lot of water today. First, he said no thanks. Went back to his mat.
Then, as I started to brush my teeth, saw him hunching and quickly heading for the stairs.
Thank god he held it long enough... I sat on the stoop, and just waited. The days of rushing him are over. He's ready and done when he damn well feels like it. Plus, if I can avoid cleaning up another mess, I'll do it.
So, he circled around a couple times.. I just sat. Finally, when I couldn't tell if he was peeing or just becoming too weak to stand anymore, he laid down in the grass.
um.. Ok Mister. Go right ahead, rest up. So, I sat there, watching the older Cambodian couple catty-corner from me on their stoop, eating something from a bowl. Just the two of them. In silence. The rest of their innumerable brood apparently in bed. I kept talking to Max.. going out to stroke him, trying to coax him in. Sat on the bench, looking around at the neighborhood, noticing how completely still and quiet everything was. Went and sat over by Max on the sidewalk, asking him if he remembered our nights in Nashville.. sitting out under the stars, late at night, just like this. Their was a slight but warm breeze brushing us... just the right temperature. Why couldn't it have been like this all day??
He looked right at me a couple times.. as if to ask - are you Really gonna let me just lay here, in the yard, at midnight? Yep. Go right ahead Mister. I'm just so glad you're still here with me tonight. I love you... we love you. And I want you to stay here with us as long as you want to.

Seeing no evidence of him moving, esp. when he put his head down on his paws.. went over and sat on the stoop again. Had moved the snippers a bit earlier, having left them on the bench. Realized though, the scraggly bush the by front door could use some pruning. All outta control. Might as well take care of it if we're going to leave it there. So, with just the light of the street lamp, and the entry light inside the house, I started cutting branches. Just going by feel. Knowing the general direction things needed to go... snip snip snip. Went down in the grass, to get to the front.. Oh dear. Look at that - damn branches hanging over in the driveway. That can't look good. Go outside the gate - telling Max if he's going to keep me out there at midnight, might as well be productive. Getting a better street perspective of the bush - yep, it's a mess. Can't hurt to prune a lotta that mess off hanging over the fence. Snip Snip Snip.
Hear a car - it stops next door. Teenage boy, who I don't know, looks over at me, seeing me cutting on my bush, well past midnight now. Could imagine his thoughts... my thoughts back to him - Who says I can't garden at midnight?? You were just out partying at midnight. People party at all times of the day, so why can't I garden whenever I feel like it, when it suits me???
Huh????!!!!
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Ok.. enough of this. Need to wait for a little more light to assess what's actually going on.
Oh wait.. let's get some more of this front..
Go back inside the gate - Max still not looking to be in a hurry any time soon.. see that the side facing the stoop is really just outta shape still. I made a big whole in the bottom part last summer when I got in a pruning mood... it was all dead stuff though. It had to go. But it left this big misshapen gap. Nothing to do about it but hope new life grows back into it.
So... I prune some more though, where it's running into the pillar.

Completely enjoying myself, the night air, having alone special time with Max. My buddy. My beautiful man. I see him finally struggle to get up. Goes across the yard and pees again. Then looks wobbly - what's going on? Ooops.. down he goes. Think he's still really shaky from this morning's events. Ok.. slip on my flip flops and go out. He doesn't take kindly to being bossed - he gets that from me... so I straddle over him and lift him by the shoulders, telling him, I'll help you Mister.. let's go upstairs to the cool mat. Everything's fine.
He bravely gets up and trudges up the steps, inside to get another long drink, and then settles on the living room rug. Wouldn't come up with me.
That's ok Mister. You do what you need to. I'll be up here.
Not two minutes later, hear him coming up the stairs. Pant pant pant.
:)
Well, hello Mister. Glad to see ya.

7/7

2005-07-07T17:44:00.000-04:00

Have been in a funk all day..not sure exactly why, but I think perhaps waking up to news that part of the world blew up while I slept could be a factor. Fucking assholes. What is the point????? Nothing is accomplished, no point gets proven - there is no goodness as a result. How can anyone live like that, with that mindset? I don't understand and don't Want to understand.
Those poor Londoners, going about the business of life, doing their thing, keeping the world revolving - stopped. Violently. They didn't do anything to deserve that. RIP to all of them, and sending blessings to the hundreds injured.

Not to be self-involved, but, back to me for a sec.
Shouldn't 100 mgs of Zoloft be making me feel better? I feel calmer in some respects, but.. sometimes, the sadness just overtakes me. Not like, oh, poor me, but like... everyone else is really annoying and they suck and I hate everybody and just wanna be home with my babies.
hmm... Maybe it's cause people DO suck.

OHHHHH - Big Brother starts tonight!! WHOOOOHOOO. I Love this show. I wish it was on Every night like it was the first year. Can't Wait! And now I'll have even more reason to sit in bed most of the day and surf - got some feeds to watch! :)

As for my other BB show - Hunter can go to hell. Poor Brooke. Brookie should hook up with Jack Wagner anyway.. he's hot, he sings better than BabyComeBack Ridge, is smarter, and... well, I'm just about Over Ridge Fucking Forrester!! Douche!
;)

Coming back to the topic at hand... I think it's that people continually disappoint me. And my standards are NOT even that high!
Like, the thing is.. individually, most times, a person is fine. Get them to interact, be kind to them, and uuuuuusally, they'll respond in kind. But there's something about people en masse that ruins it. A herd mentality or something. Since I drive so much, I really get the Type A-holes out there who have something weird to prove. And then at the supermarket - it's like they forget common sense and get in a little bubble and just do things to piss you off.
You know??? Anybody understand what I'm saying???

Whatever.
Maybe I'm just thinking about it all more lately because we Might bring a kid into the world.. and Look at it!
I know I was born smack dab during the Vietman War, and it went on well after I started kindergarten, yet it didn't affect my life at all (then, is what I'm saying), and life went on, and so forth. It just seems like a whole new ball of wax now. Life is short enough as it is, why do those fuckers have to make it so fucking scary for everyone???

The pic is of me and Sweetie down in Newport by the Breakers mansion on Mother's Day.
A bit chilly and windy, but... a good moment.

Dogster and Catster

2005-07-07T00:08:00.000-04:00

What great sites these are! We just signed up all our babies on them.. I'll put a link in my page somewhere soon.
Speaking of babies...hmm.... Just in the last two months, we've been 'trying', sorta. I've finally opened up to the idea that I'm ready/I want to/it's meant to be.
Sooo many feelings about it. For so long, it wasn't feasible, according to the circumstances I decided would be ideal to bring a baby into the world... into my life... forever.

It only hit me recently, the irony that I've been a nanny for so many years, yet have had this fear of becoming a mother myself. My very own bambino. Kinda scary. Yet, I know if it all went well, it would be awesome too. To have my own little life to take care of as I see fit, to mold and shape and nurture and educate....

I'm still not in any ideal shape to get pregnant. I'm healthy enough, but this fucking weight. God. I've just been at a brick wall with it. I've lost it before.. had the motivation to do what has to be done, Before. Why have I resisted the last two years in particular, when I knew this day was coming? Or at least, possibly coming.
Hmmm. Too bad I'm not in therapy. Could use some help with this one.

I can't believe I have two friggin hermit crabs to take care of. They just are soooo... Crabby.
Seemed like the perfect gift for a 12 year old boy...
WHAT was I thinking???
Now, instead of the cute frog or turtle I'd been wanting to fill up my fish tank with (RIP fishies), I'm stuck with these damn crabs, who don't seem at ALL appreciative of the Very Nice Home i've made for them!!
And God, it freaks me out when they reach back and touch my fingers with their claws when I'm holding them!!!! IIICCCCCKKKKKK
It's probably mostly a fear that they'll PINCH me, but.. it also just feels creepy.
Wish I knew someone to give them to.
I haven't even named them yet, and that is highly unusual for me.
Guess I didn't expect I'd be able to keep them alive this long. : /

Half the year is over. Hard to process.. yet, it's been a sucky year on some fronts.
But.. I am learning to accept that time marches on, regardless. Regardless of whether you've spent the past 6 months losing weight or not. Whether mom and I have had multiple fights, or not. Or gotten past them. Or other relationships went kaput. Whatever. Time. Goes. On.
Am just going to keep doing what I do - living each day as it comes, as I see fit.
Perhaps, in that moment, I won't be doing the ideal thing that I SHOULD be doing... but... then that would be living a false life, wouldn't it? If I'm not flowing along with my own natural rhythms??

Speaking of rhythms.... Got the cd for Amici Forever. Track #8 - WOW. just Wow. Listen to it, in the car, Loudly. I'm just saying.
Need to relisten to my El Divo cd too.
For that matter, I have tons of cds I should listen to and never do.
Used to listen to music a lot. Now when I'm in the car, more often than not it's talk radio - thank GOD for Air America Radio now. It better not go off the air!!! Keep fighting the good fight, people!! I'm with you!!!
Watching Al on Sundance as I write actually. Would love to listen to Randi Rhodes more, but am never in the car during her show.

Can't believe another week is going by without me getting my ass to the gym.
perhaps... next week.....

by the way.... the dog in the photo here is not My dog.. This is Casey... the wonderful, fabulous Golden that I have the pleasure of walking every day. Takes me half an hour to get to him, and his feline roomies, but, he's worth it. I got to doggysit him last weekend. Quite a housefull! But he was groovy.

Fuck the Fucking Fuckers!

2005-06-30T18:46:00.000-04:00

People Fucking SUCK, man!
Had the Worst Fucking Day today and everybody in it just sucked Ass.
I am going to become a hermit and just stay in 24/7 with my animals and the tv and the computer and my husband, and That's IT!
Fuck'em!

Let me just say this, in obtuse conclusion - being "NICE" gets you fucking Nowhere, man!
You see 'nice' - Fuckers see "DOORMAT!"
I'VE HAD IT

..............................time for dinner with my honey. I still, and always will, love him.
lucky me.

Rescue Me

2005-06-29T22:53:00.000-04:00

Love this show. Denis Leary is awesome. Funny, cute.. Tall. Glad we finally started watching this. Loved his old cop show, and his standup.

Anyhoooo...
Still getting in the swing of this blogging thing. Have spent lots of time lately surfing other chick blogs. Love it! A whole new world has opened up..and, cliche - I don't feel so alone in the world anymore. The list grows every day, because each cool chick has a list of cool chick blog they like to read, and I check them out, and voila - worlds just keep opening up.
A shout-out to "maddenroundtheland's" mrtl. She recommended the hair care line Artec, Textureline. It took me FOREVER to 're-find' that blog again.. finally I did, and saw that I didn't quite buy the Right product at the store the other day, but do love what I got - smoothing creme. Anything to help tame my curls/frizz, and make my damaged hair silkier.
Also, a HeyThanks to carol-anne at womanmoose for a pic of the most Awesome shade of red hair - Must Get!

so... zipped thru some stored Tivo stuff I'll never get to, and now trying to think of something brilliant to put in here, not that anyone is reading. yet. ? maybe someday.

Got some new mags today.. did I mention i'm addicted? NEED to subscribe, and start saving money.
Today I got: Animal Fair, Rhode Island Monthly, More, New York, and Breathe.
'course, that's to add to the stack of Thousands I still have to go thru and won't throw away.
Was thinking about that today, and why I've become such a hoarder.. I think this particular aspect can be traced to my mom (isn't everything traceable back to dear ole mum??) and her throwing away ALLLLLL my Archie comics without telling me. I Knew they were in the garage, in a bag, not looked at for ages - I was Storing Them!! I Loved my Archie and Veronica and Betty and Reggie and Jughead comics when I was little. Loved'em. And Poof - gone!
Now, I just Can't get rid of the millions of mags I buy... I MUST.. they are literally overtaking the house, but... maybe this summer. We'll see. Living a few days in a row without a migraine would be LOVELY. I just might be motivated to do something productive then.

Ok.. feel like reading others' brilliant thoughts now.
Will try to get more interesting. I swear I have things to say. 12:18 in the morn ain't really the time to do it though. The nighttime allergy pill and my Zoloft are kicking in and am getting very verrrry sleepy.

Coconut Ice Cream

2005-06-25T02:51:00.000-04:00

What, am I obsessed with food or something?
Wellllll...noooooo...
Just so happens. You know how it is.

Anyhoo.
Have discovered the most Wonderful thing!
Coconut Almond Joy ice cream!
And I didn't even use to like coconut!!
Now, I have the most amazing recipe for a coconut cake...mmmmm... and then I come across this ice cream! I'm all about the coconut ice cream at the moment!
Problem is, I can only find it at this ONE shop, and it's a half hour from me. Grrrr.

I've already written to Ben and Jerry, so don't even think about stealing my idea.

Of course, I realize coconut ice cream is vastly different from my last post of steel cut oats
(correction: it's not McCain oats I used, it's Arrowhead Mills), but, I never claimed to be perfect.
And this on the heels of finding out my former 400 pound mother is now 160 pounds... which is exactly 100 pounds LESS than she was when I visited her last October!!! When we were the same weight! Except, I'm STILL that same weight, and the bitch (luv ya mom) now weighs what I WANNA WEIGH!!!!
fuck Me.

On the positive side, I HAVE finally made it back to the gym. Twice no less. Then my "visitor" sidetracked me... but am determined to get back in there Monday, full steam ahead.
Got new workout shoes, found my Madonna remix cd, located all the necessary clothes... I'm all set.
And as I told hubby, I actually LIKE working out, as in, the Process of Doing it. When I'm pushing myself and sweating on the treadmill, I actually Love how that feels! I'm just remembering all the times Oprah has said how much she hates working out. Well, girlfriend needs to get herself a discman! The only way I can ever walk/run any sort of distance.

We saw Oasis in concert tonight.
A - Can't remember the last concert I went to.
Oh wait. Actually, it was Madonna last summer. :) But before THAT it had been ages
B - Can't remember the last time I smelled pot. THAT was years and years ago. Like, another freaking Lifetime ago!!
C - I didn't think I 'felt' older... but....surrounded by 20somethings tonight.. Yeah, I feel older. And I'm ok with that. Wouldn't trade places with any of them. Wouldn't mind their extra 20 or so years of life on me, but.... w/e.
Oasis was good. We left before 'Wonderwall' to beat the traffic. In fact, we RACED our old asses to the car, trying to assess from the cheering crowd how much time we had to make it out the gates. But, got to hear Champagne Supernova.. that was good. And Liam is a hottie, even though I couldn't see his face with that freaking hat on and bad lighting. Oh well. At least they showed up for the gig, which was more than I expected to begin with.

I think the nanny thing is winding down sooner than I expected.
My girl... little miss who is entering high school next year.... called me "hired help" the other day.
I've been there OVER 5 FREAKING YEARS! Have been there for her more than her own freaking Mother at times... MANY times!! And she STiLL thinks of me as the HELP.
Well, Fuck All.
Time for this 'chauffeur' to start retirement. And for Little Miss to come off her high horse.
Am starting to really enjoy my increased time at home anyway. I LOVE being home, with my babies, doing what I want. Heck, I might even start cleaning this place if this keeps up. Anything is possible. Though, i DO still want a housekeeper. I'm Taaahhhrd.

Good Hell. 3:00 am. Why am I still up?
Zoloft hasn't kicked in yet I guess. Or could it be the junior whopper meal I got on the way home from the concert? : /
Yes, i am TOO trying to lose weight! I'd barely eaten anything today! : p

Steel Cut Oats

2005-06-16T10:47:00.000-04:00

Mmm mmm. Almost 40 and I've finally learned the value of a good solid breakfast. Who knew?
Here's what I do, if you're interested. I use McCain's brand, and frankly, I make two servings for myself. That's 16 grams of fiber at one sitting, ya'll! ;) Anyway, while it's cooking, cut up one Gala apple, and give 1/4 of it to my dogs. Add dashes of cinnamon, mix that up with cooked oatmeal. Add a smidge of milk. Seriously. It's a bit of effort, but it's so good, and you'll thank me for it. And your doctor will love you.

Tonight PRESIDENT Clinton is on Letterman. Must remember to watch. I miss him. I don't care what he did seckshully... I just miss having someone I felt safe with leading our nation and representin'. Soooo embarrassed about my current representation. I didn't sign up for that.

Here's my current dilemma (among many, but gotta start somewhere).. how to control allergies without taking an antihistamine at night, which works Fab, but, makes me completely druggy all the next morning?
Would moving to Hawaii help that??
Just found out my husband's co-worker/former boss was offered a job in Hawaii for $500Gs and TURNED IT DOWN because he didn't want to move away from his family.
PUHLEAZE
As he told me, I was already mentally packing up my essentials and thinking we'd just leave the rest for the new homeowners to deal with and envisioning an entirely new lifestyle on the Island. But then again, I also heard about the tsunami scare on the west coast... how would the 50th state fare with such a thing?? Scary.

Having been here nearly 6 years now, I can almost get behind calling Rhode Island my home. Hated it the first, oh, 3 or so years.. having our own house the last 2 has helped immensely. I love my little yellow house. We still have plans for what we want to do with it, but it's so cozy and *mine*. Plus, plenty of room for all the babies, esp. Mister. He has a fireplace in the winter, a fenced in yard to ramble around in, a deck to sun on... Everything I always wanted for him all these years. He's happy. I'm happy.

God I hate Star Jones. Love the View. Hate her. And, not for nuthin, but I HATE that she's gotten so much smaller. She Does look better, but it just makes her head so much bigger, in all ways. How she has so many celeb friends I have no clue. Can't they all see thru her too??

FINALLY got my fat ass to the gym yesterday. 30 minutes on the treadmill listening to my Madonna remix cd my friend Scott made me for my bday - felt good. Have appt. with my trainer next Tues. to reorient with the weights. Though, HAVE to get new shoes. Got heel blisters in that short time and my toes were shmoosing. Why the hell is it so hard to get shoes to fit well??

Oh, hence the name of my blog, if you're wondering. At least the flip flop part. I have ONLY discovered the joys of flip flop livin' in the past couple summers, and I LUV them!!
I should count how many pairs I have now, but they're SOOO cute now, and SOOO comfy, and look good with Any outfit!!
And frankly, any time I've tried to wear other kinds of shoes, they end up hurting so much, I stop at the first store and buy a new pair of flippies!
Case in point - on my trip to SF last month, wore a new pair of cute pink slide-in tennies from Target. Cute cute cute. Felt great at first. Hoofin' it thru the Minneapolis airport however, became a HUGE problem, in the form of a forming blister. THANK GOD for Land's End! They have a store in that airport!! AND they had flippies! Two for $20 - how can you beat that??
They saved my life that day. Thanks Lands End! (btw, I'm a size 10 and open to free stuff.) ;)

Ok... the other thing on my mind, having recently gone shopping for some new shorts for summer... I should become a plus size clothes designer. Because the people doing it Now, Don't Know What the Hell They're Doing!!!
PLEASE PEOPLE!
Dont ya think I like to look as cute as my size 4 skinny-ass sisters???
Yeah, OKKKKK, I KNOW it's not as pleasing to the eye, seeing your designs on my size 22 ass, but STILL! I'm a cute girl! I fix my hair, do my makeup, get pedicures and wear cute flippies... Why is it so hard to find Good Cheap clothes that are fab??
ESPECIALLY you, Target!
Here's a tip... us big girls have all different sizes with our extra weight. And just because our Hips might be hippier, doesn't mean our Waist is the size of a tire!
One word - DRAWSTRINGS!
Barring that.. ELASTIC.
And no, not because it lets me eat more, you piss-ant. Because it'll fit my MUCH SMALLER waist much better, and I won't have a gap in the back you can stick both arms thru, THATS WHY!!
Plus, let's SAY I'm going to lose weight. Drawstrings and Elastic will keep me wearing said item Much longer than something that will just slide off my slimming hips, because the way Ya'll design, what's to stop it???

I've had SOOOO many ideas of things I want to wear over the years, that Aren't available, and then Presto, 10-15 years later, There it is, on the racks.
Case in point?? Spanx. IIIIIIII shoulda been the creator of spanx undergarments!
Why?
Because I've been wearing Bicycle Shorts under my dresses and skirts for years!!!
I do NOT wear "hose" any more, but I also don't want my chubby thighs sticking together when I walk and sit! My method however, has been a smidge bulky at times. Yet, because all the magazines show these skinny bitches breezing around in short shorts and their legs don't rub together, I felt ashamed that I would need such an item.
Yet - you know what?? Just found out freaking OPRAH has been wearing Spanx under her dresses forever!!
ARGH.

No, I'm not bitter. Just frustrated.

Lovin' me some chick blogs these days

2005-06-16T02:03:00.000-04:00

Ok.. have just set this up.. no time to actually DO anything right now...
but lots more Really cool and Really interesting things to come! Swear!
Including pics of my most Fabulous furry babies. :)

cheers ya'll.

2005-06-15T23:29:00.000-04:00

Me and Mister Man