Dogster and Catster

What great sites these are! We just signed up all our babies on them.. I'll put a link in my page somewhere soon.
Speaking of babies...hmm.... Just in the last two months, we've been 'trying', sorta. I've finally opened up to the idea that I'm ready/I want to/it's meant to be.
Sooo many feelings about it. For so long, it wasn't feasible, according to the circumstances I decided would be ideal to bring a baby into the world... into my life... forever.

It only hit me recently, the irony that I've been a nanny for so many years, yet have had this fear of becoming a mother myself. My very own bambino. Kinda scary. Yet, I know if it all went well, it would be awesome too. To have my own little life to take care of as I see fit, to mold and shape and nurture and educate....

I'm still not in any ideal shape to get pregnant. I'm healthy enough, but this fucking weight. God. I've just been at a brick wall with it. I've lost it before.. had the motivation to do what has to be done, Before. Why have I resisted the last two years in particular, when I knew this day was coming? Or at least, possibly coming.
Hmmm. Too bad I'm not in therapy. Could use some help with this one.

I can't believe I have two friggin hermit crabs to take care of. They just are soooo... Crabby.
Seemed like the perfect gift for a 12 year old boy...
WHAT was I thinking???
Now, instead of the cute frog or turtle I'd been wanting to fill up my fish tank with (RIP fishies), I'm stuck with these damn crabs, who don't seem at ALL appreciative of the Very Nice Home i've made for them!!
And God, it freaks me out when they reach back and touch my fingers with their claws when I'm holding them!!!! IIICCCCCKKKKKK
It's probably mostly a fear that they'll PINCH me, but.. it also just feels creepy.
Wish I knew someone to give them to.
I haven't even named them yet, and that is highly unusual for me.
Guess I didn't expect I'd be able to keep them alive this long. : /

Half the year is over. Hard to process.. yet, it's been a sucky year on some fronts.
But.. I am learning to accept that time marches on, regardless. Regardless of whether you've spent the past 6 months losing weight or not. Whether mom and I have had multiple fights, or not. Or gotten past them. Or other relationships went kaput. Whatever. Time. Goes. On.
Am just going to keep doing what I do - living each day as it comes, as I see fit.
Perhaps, in that moment, I won't be doing the ideal thing that I SHOULD be doing... but... then that would be living a false life, wouldn't it? If I'm not flowing along with my own natural rhythms??

Speaking of rhythms.... Got the cd for Amici Forever. Track #8 - WOW. just Wow. Listen to it, in the car, Loudly. I'm just saying.
Need to relisten to my El Divo cd too.
For that matter, I have tons of cds I should listen to and never do.
Used to listen to music a lot. Now when I'm in the car, more often than not it's talk radio - thank GOD for Air America Radio now. It better not go off the air!!! Keep fighting the good fight, people!! I'm with you!!!
Watching Al on Sundance as I write actually. Would love to listen to Randi Rhodes more, but am never in the car during her show.

Can't believe another week is going by without me getting my ass to the gym.
perhaps... next week.....

by the way.... the dog in the photo here is not My dog.. This is Casey... the wonderful, fabulous Golden that I have the pleasure of walking every day. Takes me half an hour to get to him, and his feline roomies, but, he's worth it. I got to doggysit him last weekend. Quite a housefull! But he was groovy.