Losing Max

http://www.dogster.com/pet_page.php?i=165918&j=t

Well, this week has totally sucked.
I think I'm finally ready to talk about it a little.
I already have, some, to a few caring friends.... but words, spoken or written, just can't possibly describe the scope of my feelings.

I lost my beautiful man last Thursday, August 4. THE. WORST. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE.
It's still 'sinking in'.
Sank in a little more today - we got his remains back. :(
So he's now sitting on top of the fireplace he loved to sit in front of so much. In the winter, on his cushion, in front of a roaring fire. In the summer, on the cool brick tile with the fan blowing on him.
I love him so much. This hurt is killing me. I knew it was coming. Had briefly thought about it many times, trying to tell myself I should be "prepared."
But any pet guardian knows this - you can never be prepared for this moment.

Watching the life slip out of him, very very very quickly - I wanted time to stand still. To go backwards. To not have that happening.
But... I keep trying to tell myself that the moment had come when he was truly going to be suffering. His jaw swelled up so much thru the day, it was becoming very difficult for him to even swallow. I saw the new tumor on the roof of his mouth. He had to have felt that with his tongue. He knew he was sick, but he wanted to stay with us as much as we wanted him to. He fought so hard and long and valiantly. He was a warrior. So so so beautiful.

My only comfort is knowing I gave him the best life I possibly could, these last 13 years, and he is no longer sick, or weak, or panting, or thirsty, or tired... he is restored now, to his full glory.
I couldn't have loved him any more, and I'm so honoured he chose me, those many years ago, to be his primary human companion and caretaker.

Tonight I took Lucy, my Schnauzer out at bedtime. She and I went out to the front first... she just sniffed around and came back in. I could tell she actually had to go, so I took her out back.
Walked the stone path with her to the bench, and sat and waited patiently. She just stood there, listening... watching...
She was very alert, very on guard... finally I saw she just wasn't going to do anything, so we started to come back in. Again, she sniffed everything, but as we walked onto the driveway, she walked over to the spot in front of the garage door where Max loved to lay, and sniffed and paused there. I said, Oh Lulu, is Max here?
Yes, he is here. He's back home with us, where he belongs. I'm having a special urn made for him, to keep forever. I was going to order a celtic cross one, to honour his Irish heritage, but, I came across the most wonderful artist in Colorado who handcrafts each one ordered.
She's at: www.cheerspottery.com
She also makes other clay things, but if you're ever going to be in the market for a pet urn, this is the place to go. I'll let you know how it turns out.

It was exactly 4 months from the last time he was truly healthy, til his last day with us.
In that time he first nearly left us from undiagnosed diabetes. We caught it and began treating him and were amazed at how *LIFE* sprang back into him. His panting and drinking decreased dramatically, he literally had a spring in his step for the first time in ages, he jumped up on the bed with us.... it was a blessing to experience that with him again. Then he had a tumor on his tail rupture, and had to have the whole thing amputated. His beautiful tail. There were complications with that, but, with the loving care of our wonderful vet Karen, he kept bouncing back. Not as fully as we would have liked, but, we were just grateful to have him at all.

We kept check on him, to make sure, each day, that he was happy, comfortable, and had everything he needed. I never missed a dose of his pills and peanut butter. He wouldn't let me!
He'd come to me and just Look at me, with those big brown eyes, and I knew what time it was! :)
He began having a lot of trouble coming up the stairs. I walked behind him, and helped lift his weight, putting my hands around his chest and moving him forward and up. He could've chosen to stay downstairs, but he loved being in our room, and being on his cooling mat. He just wanted to be with us... so whatever it took, we did what was possible to make that happen.

til....
Thursday morning, I noticed him looking strangely. Not his appearance, at first, but, I saw him on his mat, and he would sorta suddenly look off into space... as if he was looking *at* something. Never done that before, so I took note.
Being the usual time to go outside for our midmorning potty break, I was uncomfortable when he didn't want to get up. I knew he needed to go... so I lured him downstairs with the peanut butter. He always perked right up when he smelled it... he came down, and just planted himself at the water bowl. I let him, as long as he wanted. That's when I noticed the swelling of his jaw. It looked full. And hard. And uncomfortable. Called M. to come home at lunch, and took Max out back. He did his business, and then planted himself at the bowl outside. And it didn't appear he was going to move anytime soon. I knew there was something different about all of this...
I ran in to get a bottle of water, and came out and arranged a stack of stones we had left over from our path, and sat next to him. I planned to sit there as long as he wanted.
After some time, he finally got up, and came up the deck stairs, wanting to go in.
Ok, Mister. Whatever you want.
He seemed confused as to what to do, so I got him on his fireplace tiles, and turned the fan on.
Things were just not looking good.
I pulled up a cushion, and just sat with him, stroking him, waiting for M to get home.
Finally he did, bringing our lunch, and saying we had a 4:00 appt with Karen.
I had to run out for a couple hours to walk Casey, but came right home. In retrospect, if I'd Really believed time was running out, I wouldn't have left. But, I know that also gave M. alone time with Max, as I'd had... so that's ok.
We both just sat with him... watching him... watching his jaw get worse, seeing him struggle to swallow... not wanting to even really drink water, like it hurt or something...
We left a little early for the vet, to beat traffic and to just be there to get him looked at.

As with everything else that day, he was a trooper.... walked out to the truck, and up his little ramp we got him, and enjoyed the ride as he always had. He was smiling at us, being as wonderful as he always has been.
Walked the yard at the vet's office, and finally went in.
We weighed him first... he was down to 51 pounds.
He used to weigh nearly 80.
Karen got us right in....
in short order, let us know that it was time.
The tumor around his eye that we thought had disappeared had not only reemerged, but it had spread all thru his face and jaw, and was now blocking lymph nodes, hence the absurdly fast swelling. That's when she pointed out the tumor in his mouth.

M. and I had discussed, briefly, before we got there, what if Karen can't fix this?
Of course the answer is - I don't want to say that it's ok, but.... I don't want him to suffer. And he's clearly really beginning to....

So, Karen gave us time with him... to hold him.. to tell him a million times how much we love him, to kiss him, to let the tears flow, to try and make sense of this horrible moment that was happening....
no amount of time would've ever possibly been enough.... finally... we told her to come in.
She and an assistant shaved him front leg, and she explained what would happen. I knew it would be fast, from what my mom told me she went thru with our poodle, Babi, just last year.
We both held him, I had his head in my hands, kissing his nose and head, tears flowing, telling him over and over and over.... i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you.....................................................................................................................

So so so quickly, too fast, the shot was administered and in a heartbeat his panting slowed, his face showed an expression I'll never forget, and his eyes lowered and his beautiful head lowered to rest on his other front leg.... and ........ he was gone.
just like that.
before i could process it... before i was ready.... before i told him i loved him one more time....

oh god.
GOD
This PRICE to pay for all the love I've given and received..... I wouldn't change a single moment of sharing his life - only that I'd been home even more than I was, to share just one more moment with him... but this Pain....................
It actually does feel proportionate to the amount of love and devotion I felt for him....
even though I still have my loving husband of course, who also loved him as i did.. and we have our other four babies to love and care for..... there is such an emptiness now....
the spots all over the house and yard where he liked to lay.... the routines we had with him... the multiple potty breaks thru the day that he needed.... the looking to see where he was and checking to see if he's ok and still breathing....

all gone

he's not here

in body

i know he's still with us

he would never leave Trixie alone, for one
and he knows much much we need him. even now. forever.
we are his home. he belongs with us.
i don't mind if he goes off to play with the other dogs now and then... as long as he always comes back to me.

a couple of beautiful people have passed on the 'rainbow bridge' poem to me...
indeed... max and i shall cross it together one day...
he is a part of me, and always will be...
existing on earth together, in these forms, is only part of our journey...

i have eternity to love and cherish him... and i shall.

i love you Max