A post a day keeps the migraine away....?

Oh heck, let's give it a whirl.
Something's gotta work. I'm so tired of these fucking headaches I could scream. Except, screaming would just make me want to bash my head in... which could, in turn, relieve some of this pain, but, hell... seems awfully extreme to me.

Over half my life now, suffering with these things. Thanks dad. I know it's your damn genes that gave them to me. That, or the possibly near-fatal car crash I had at 17 that knocked my brain around a bit. Either way, I'm tired of it.

I'm gonna try an experiment... to actually blog something every dang day, and see what happens.
I mean, the blogs I like, I check for something new every day, and if they don't have something, I'm all bummed and stuff.

I think it's a matter of thinking - well, crap, my day/life wasn't so special, what's to write about?
But, I think just the act of opening the lid and letting the top spill out, perhaps if I try to keep it balanced like that, I'll be able to get to the underside stuff and help myself out in the process.
I've enjoyed writing for some time... nonfiction that is. Don't know how to write fiction.. I mean, I could figure it out I suppose - I've tried a smidge. But I find it boring to write.
At the moment, the things I like to read parallel me in some way - this stage of my life, or this age, or... something that mirrors a past experience or something.
There was a book by a girl from Indiana http://www.havenkimmel.com/... a girl named zippy... she's roughly the same age as me, and she wrote about being a kid in the 70s...
I like that kind of thing - helps me with my own memories, opens the floodgates a bit.
I've had so many COMPLETELY different segments of my life, that do not relate to another in any way, except that they're just part of me.
Whole chunks of my life that I have memory of, in a vague sense only sometimes, that no longer exist... either because of space, or time, or death, or estrangement...

I have One person alive who knows my story. My whole story. Me. Inside and out. For the most part. When she's gone... I don't know how I'll feel. As it relates to me, that is.
You dig?
I mean, losing dad was.... traumatic. So sudden and violent, as cancer is. Giving me no chance in those 3 short months to pause and say, Hey, gee... I've got a lotta lose ends I really don't want to live the rest of my life with, so let's clear them up, shall we Pa?
No.. by the time it all started and ended, I was in such a blur I didn't start grieving for over a year.

Mom is the keeper of.... my history. My beginning. My middle. It started to get hazy in that middle somewhere... is anyone's relationship with their parents NOT complicated????????
I really wonder.
If I had a sprog, could I keep that uncomplicated? Could I create all that which I ever wanted, and would want?
A big part of me is ready now.... another part is scared shitless.
Look at my life! How could I not be?????
I think that's part of why I've kept my weight on... it keeps me from 'going there', because I don't wanna be pregnant this heavy. How stupid would that be???

For the past several weeks, I've had every intention of starting my Taebo experience anew... each morning, something "interferes". Tomorrow is no different. Damn cable guy is coming early (we'll see about that), then Lady to the vet, then walking Casey... etc etc.
Eh.

I WILL become the person I want to be.... just not tomorrow.

Can't wait for Fi to be here.
It's BOUND to go loads better than Lisa's visit two years ago.
OY. Fuck. Still not over that one. Have left it hanging, completely unresolved all this time too.
Been thinking about that. It bothers me to have done that to her, but hell.
The first several months, I was too fucking angry to resolve it. Then I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Then I ended up driving myself mad so much with it, combined with the stress from my job the previous two years I ended up on 'goofballs', as Denis Leary would say.
I think they're helping me. Hard to say.

Ok.. here's something.
I've made my last batch of cookie dough. When it's gone, no more.
I have a little of my coconut ice cream left. When it's gone, no more.
There's no other crap in the house... well, ok, I did get some PopTarts.. shouldn't have those here, so when those are gone.....

Need to get off the sugar horse. It's the doom of me.
Exercise might come easier if I wasn't fighting this battle every day. Wouldn't seem so pointless.