Gardening at Midnight

Ok bitches. Listen right now - if I ever write a book, I'm titling it Gardening at Midnight - so don't any of ya'll steal it. Consider it officially TRADEMARKED. k??

So... quite a day. Slept in - good. Woke up to pee and get more water - ok. Hearing Max's nails on the floor downstairs over and over, running down to see what was going on and finding him stranded and bleeding and unable to get up from the stairwell - Horrible. God. Not how I planned to start a lazy, hot Sunday.
Poor Mister. Yelled for hon to get the hell up and help me.... after wiping up all kinds of mess, and soothing my scared man, helped him up the 3 stairs to the kitchen for a drink, and then outside to chill out. Who knows what actually happened, or how long he was there alone, but, he hurt his nub and it was bleeding all over. On top of the diahhrea plaguing him for the last coupla weeks.
After lots of hugs and reassurance, called Karen, who first advised, then brought her doggie doctor butt over here to check him out. Love Karen.
She's getting us a med to pick up tomorrow... going next Sat. anyway. She didn't seem too awfully worried, so, I stopped putting out those vibes too. Spent the whole day with him, chilling out in the living room while he laid on the fireplace bricks sleeping.

It's so hard, this line we must now constantly walk every day. Knowing his age, and conditions, yet seeing how alert he is, how much he enjoys his days and our life together.... wanting him to live forever, but knowing a very sad day is to come.... sometime... when? Will we have to make "the choice" or will he do it on his own. Will I be there? Will he let me comfort him those last moments? Lulu and Trix sensed something was off all day. Lulu's face, so full of expression, esp now with her haircut, spoke all I was feeling.

So... he came up tonight, laid on his cooling mat. Hon is out cold, and I hope he keeps sleeping - he's always tired, and being woken up at night never helps. I happened to be up at midnight when I saw Max go get a drink of water in the bathroom. Hopped up to try to get him to go out once more, as he's drank a Lot of water today. First, he said no thanks. Went back to his mat.
Then, as I started to brush my teeth, saw him hunching and quickly heading for the stairs.
Thank god he held it long enough... I sat on the stoop, and just waited. The days of rushing him are over. He's ready and done when he damn well feels like it. Plus, if I can avoid cleaning up another mess, I'll do it.
So, he circled around a couple times.. I just sat. Finally, when I couldn't tell if he was peeing or just becoming too weak to stand anymore, he laid down in the grass.
um.. Ok Mister. Go right ahead, rest up. So, I sat there, watching the older Cambodian couple catty-corner from me on their stoop, eating something from a bowl. Just the two of them. In silence. The rest of their innumerable brood apparently in bed. I kept talking to Max.. going out to stroke him, trying to coax him in. Sat on the bench, looking around at the neighborhood, noticing how completely still and quiet everything was. Went and sat over by Max on the sidewalk, asking him if he remembered our nights in Nashville.. sitting out under the stars, late at night, just like this. Their was a slight but warm breeze brushing us... just the right temperature. Why couldn't it have been like this all day??
He looked right at me a couple times.. as if to ask - are you Really gonna let me just lay here, in the yard, at midnight? Yep. Go right ahead Mister. I'm just so glad you're still here with me tonight. I love you... we love you. And I want you to stay here with us as long as you want to.

Seeing no evidence of him moving, esp. when he put his head down on his paws.. went over and sat on the stoop again. Had moved the snippers a bit earlier, having left them on the bench. Realized though, the scraggly bush the by front door could use some pruning. All outta control. Might as well take care of it if we're going to leave it there. So, with just the light of the street lamp, and the entry light inside the house, I started cutting branches. Just going by feel. Knowing the general direction things needed to go... snip snip snip. Went down in the grass, to get to the front.. Oh dear. Look at that - damn branches hanging over in the driveway. That can't look good. Go outside the gate - telling Max if he's going to keep me out there at midnight, might as well be productive. Getting a better street perspective of the bush - yep, it's a mess. Can't hurt to prune a lotta that mess off hanging over the fence. Snip Snip Snip.
Hear a car - it stops next door. Teenage boy, who I don't know, looks over at me, seeing me cutting on my bush, well past midnight now. Could imagine his thoughts... my thoughts back to him - Who says I can't garden at midnight?? You were just out partying at midnight. People party at all times of the day, so why can't I garden whenever I feel like it, when it suits me???
Huh????!!!!
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Ok.. enough of this. Need to wait for a little more light to assess what's actually going on.
Oh wait.. let's get some more of this front..
Go back inside the gate - Max still not looking to be in a hurry any time soon.. see that the side facing the stoop is really just outta shape still. I made a big whole in the bottom part last summer when I got in a pruning mood... it was all dead stuff though. It had to go. But it left this big misshapen gap. Nothing to do about it but hope new life grows back into it.
So... I prune some more though, where it's running into the pillar.

Completely enjoying myself, the night air, having alone special time with Max. My buddy. My beautiful man. I see him finally struggle to get up. Goes across the yard and pees again. Then looks wobbly - what's going on? Ooops.. down he goes. Think he's still really shaky from this morning's events. Ok.. slip on my flip flops and go out. He doesn't take kindly to being bossed - he gets that from me... so I straddle over him and lift him by the shoulders, telling him, I'll help you Mister.. let's go upstairs to the cool mat. Everything's fine.
He bravely gets up and trudges up the steps, inside to get another long drink, and then settles on the living room rug. Wouldn't come up with me.
That's ok Mister. You do what you need to. I'll be up here.
Not two minutes later, hear him coming up the stairs. Pant pant pant.
:)
Well, hello Mister. Glad to see ya.

7/7

Have been in a funk all day..not sure exactly why, but I think perhaps waking up to news that part of the world blew up while I slept could be a factor. Fucking assholes. What is the point????? Nothing is accomplished, no point gets proven - there is no goodness as a result. How can anyone live like that, with that mindset? I don't understand and don't Want to understand.
Those poor Londoners, going about the business of life, doing their thing, keeping the world revolving - stopped. Violently. They didn't do anything to deserve that. RIP to all of them, and sending blessings to the hundreds injured.

Not to be self-involved, but, back to me for a sec.
Shouldn't 100 mgs of Zoloft be making me feel better? I feel calmer in some respects, but.. sometimes, the sadness just overtakes me. Not like, oh, poor me, but like... everyone else is really annoying and they suck and I hate everybody and just wanna be home with my babies.
hmm... Maybe it's cause people DO suck.

OHHHHH - Big Brother starts tonight!! WHOOOOHOOO. I Love this show. I wish it was on Every night like it was the first year. Can't Wait! And now I'll have even more reason to sit in bed most of the day and surf - got some feeds to watch! :)

As for my other BB show - Hunter can go to hell. Poor Brooke. Brookie should hook up with Jack Wagner anyway.. he's hot, he sings better than BabyComeBack Ridge, is smarter, and... well, I'm just about Over Ridge Fucking Forrester!! Douche!
;)

Coming back to the topic at hand... I think it's that people continually disappoint me. And my standards are NOT even that high!
Like, the thing is.. individually, most times, a person is fine. Get them to interact, be kind to them, and uuuuuusally, they'll respond in kind. But there's something about people en masse that ruins it. A herd mentality or something. Since I drive so much, I really get the Type A-holes out there who have something weird to prove. And then at the supermarket - it's like they forget common sense and get in a little bubble and just do things to piss you off.
You know??? Anybody understand what I'm saying???

Whatever.
Maybe I'm just thinking about it all more lately because we Might bring a kid into the world.. and Look at it!
I know I was born smack dab during the Vietman War, and it went on well after I started kindergarten, yet it didn't affect my life at all (then, is what I'm saying), and life went on, and so forth. It just seems like a whole new ball of wax now. Life is short enough as it is, why do those fuckers have to make it so fucking scary for everyone???

The pic is of me and Sweetie down in Newport by the Breakers mansion on Mother's Day.
A bit chilly and windy, but... a good moment.

Dogster and Catster

What great sites these are! We just signed up all our babies on them.. I'll put a link in my page somewhere soon.
Speaking of babies...hmm.... Just in the last two months, we've been 'trying', sorta. I've finally opened up to the idea that I'm ready/I want to/it's meant to be.
Sooo many feelings about it. For so long, it wasn't feasible, according to the circumstances I decided would be ideal to bring a baby into the world... into my life... forever.

It only hit me recently, the irony that I've been a nanny for so many years, yet have had this fear of becoming a mother myself. My very own bambino. Kinda scary. Yet, I know if it all went well, it would be awesome too. To have my own little life to take care of as I see fit, to mold and shape and nurture and educate....

I'm still not in any ideal shape to get pregnant. I'm healthy enough, but this fucking weight. God. I've just been at a brick wall with it. I've lost it before.. had the motivation to do what has to be done, Before. Why have I resisted the last two years in particular, when I knew this day was coming? Or at least, possibly coming.
Hmmm. Too bad I'm not in therapy. Could use some help with this one.

I can't believe I have two friggin hermit crabs to take care of. They just are soooo... Crabby.
Seemed like the perfect gift for a 12 year old boy...
WHAT was I thinking???
Now, instead of the cute frog or turtle I'd been wanting to fill up my fish tank with (RIP fishies), I'm stuck with these damn crabs, who don't seem at ALL appreciative of the Very Nice Home i've made for them!!
And God, it freaks me out when they reach back and touch my fingers with their claws when I'm holding them!!!! IIICCCCCKKKKKK
It's probably mostly a fear that they'll PINCH me, but.. it also just feels creepy.
Wish I knew someone to give them to.
I haven't even named them yet, and that is highly unusual for me.
Guess I didn't expect I'd be able to keep them alive this long. : /

Half the year is over. Hard to process.. yet, it's been a sucky year on some fronts.
But.. I am learning to accept that time marches on, regardless. Regardless of whether you've spent the past 6 months losing weight or not. Whether mom and I have had multiple fights, or not. Or gotten past them. Or other relationships went kaput. Whatever. Time. Goes. On.
Am just going to keep doing what I do - living each day as it comes, as I see fit.
Perhaps, in that moment, I won't be doing the ideal thing that I SHOULD be doing... but... then that would be living a false life, wouldn't it? If I'm not flowing along with my own natural rhythms??

Speaking of rhythms.... Got the cd for Amici Forever. Track #8 - WOW. just Wow. Listen to it, in the car, Loudly. I'm just saying.
Need to relisten to my El Divo cd too.
For that matter, I have tons of cds I should listen to and never do.
Used to listen to music a lot. Now when I'm in the car, more often than not it's talk radio - thank GOD for Air America Radio now. It better not go off the air!!! Keep fighting the good fight, people!! I'm with you!!!
Watching Al on Sundance as I write actually. Would love to listen to Randi Rhodes more, but am never in the car during her show.

Can't believe another week is going by without me getting my ass to the gym.
perhaps... next week.....

by the way.... the dog in the photo here is not My dog.. This is Casey... the wonderful, fabulous Golden that I have the pleasure of walking every day. Takes me half an hour to get to him, and his feline roomies, but, he's worth it. I got to doggysit him last weekend. Quite a housefull! But he was groovy.