The 100 list thingie

Ok, so I've enjoyed reading other people's lists, so I'm going to attempt to create one myself. If only for my own enjoyment. :)

1. I have the best husband in the world.
2. I met him on the Internet almost 9 years ago.
3. When I met him, I'd totally and completely given up on men. I still think most of them are scum. This theory is bourne out nearly every day somehow.
4. I love my babies second best to BHITW.
5. All of them are rescued.
6. I don't believe in "buying" pets, yet when I go to the pet store, it takes a lot of strength to not get at least one. I want to save all of them.
7. I love Brighton bags and wallets. Even though the bags are never big enough.
8. I can't do small handbags. Tried. Can't. Need a big ole satchel thingie to carry my shit.
9. My shit includes: a big ole Brighton wallet; a "makeup" bag full of all kinds of essentials that I might need during the day, or if I ever got stranded for some reason; my planner - currently Anne Taintor, who I love; a bottle of water - ALWAYS; something to read - ALWAYS; tissues; phone; camera; and a little pouch of special stones and rocks and trinkets that I love to play with.
10. I LOVE Anne Taintor. (that needed it's own listing)
11. I love Tivo. Don't know how I lived without it.
12. Love Taebo. It kicks my ass, but other than running (when I'm in shape), nothing has made me feel more exhilarated.
13. Most I ever ran at once was 4 miles. In college, when I used to go run every night. I got in Awesome shape.
14. In the middle of my freshman year at college, I passed some "popular" boys from high school - they couldn't believe it was me. Seems I had been transformed. :)
15. My dad died over 10 years ago.
16. We had many many unresolved issues that will haunt me forever, because I can never get closure on them.
17. Such as - Why did he sleep with my grandma????????????
18. And why did he live in Florida and W.Va. my whole life, instead of sticking around and being a FATHER????????
19. Why couldn't he accept me as I was, instead of always asking the same 3 questions: Do I have a boyfriend? Have I lost weight? Did I go to church? ..... yes to any and all of those would have thrilled them. I think that accounts for a lot of issues in my 20s, and things that I'm still trying to shake approaching 40.
20. Contrary to my father's ridiculous assertions - Shirley MacLaine is NOT a CULT!! (*rolling eyes*)
21. I met Shirley once, at Westbury in 1991, and got her to sign one of my books. :)
22. I met Marilu Henner backstage on Broadway 3 years ago. She still knows my name, even though I don't frequent her website much anymore.
23. I love Madonna.
24. Saw Madonna in concert for the first time summer of 2004 - 20 years after I became and remained a loyal fan.
25. I cried watching her performed, thinking about the full circle moment of that.
26. Her body fucking Rocks! Especially her thighs! She is my inspiration.
27. I love horror movies. Not slasher gore ones - scary spooky ones. Esp. from the 70s.
28. I have a real fondness for Motown because my mother did.
29. My first (famous) crush was Barry Gibb. Mom took me to see the BeeGees in 79, I was 13.
30. The first album (LP) I bought myself was Kool and the Gang.
31. My first cassette tape was the Stray Cats. (????)
32. Don't remember my first CD, but it took me forever to come around and decide to give up cassettes.
33. I started watching CBS soaps when I was in grade school. I still sorta keep up on all of them, but only now watch The Bold and the Beautiful - and have since it debuted.
34. I got my husband to watch B&B with me. :)
35. I have one set of friends - the Carle twins - I've known since I was 6 years old.
36. I've had 3 step parents and 9 step siblings.
37. I've held 6 nanny jobs since 1987.
38. I've cared for 13 children as a nanny.
38. Kate, the only girl I've cared for, is the One who finally got me to realize I want my own child.
39. All of my grandparents are dead.
40. I have many living relatives - my dad alone had 10 siblings, and my first cousins there are over 50, and now most of them have children, but I don't speak to any of them.
41. If they are truthfull with themselves, they know why.
42. It's scary having only my mom as my only link to my past, my family, my history.
43. I graduated 39th out of my h.s. class of over 400.
44. My gpa was 3.42
45. I almost flunked out of Ball State.
46. I joined a sorority - Alpha Sigma Alpha. I still have two very good friends from that.
47. I have naturally curly hair.
48. I got it cut super short last year and it's taking forever to grow out.
49. It'll never be short again!!
50. My eyes are hazel and they change colors with what I'm wearing.
51. Am naturally a brunette, but feel myself with red hair.
52. But trying blonde highlights two years ago was an interesting change.
53. I was a skinny child.
54. Started being a little overweight in high school.
55. I'd kill to be the size I was in high school.
56. 8 years ago, I lost 60 pounds in less than 8 months just by walking. 5 miles a day.
57. I love working out, yet resist it.
58. I'm left handed.
59. My Popo called me 'Shirley' because my hair curled up like Shirley Temple's when it rained.
60. I wish I'd known Popo better. Even if he was a former alcoholic who caused my mom a painful childhood.
61. He was left handed too. And a vet of WWII.
62. The whole time I knew him, he was in a wheel chair with one leg - from diabetes.
63. I was in a near fatal car crash when I was 17. Totalled my car and injured my ankle. I was unconscious for almost an hour.
64. The next winter, I had my first migraine while visiting Dad in Florida.
65. My dad had migraines - he called them 'sinus headaches', but knowing the symptoms as intimately as I now do - they were migraines.
66. Thanks dad.
67. I like my feet. And like my toes to always be painted nice.
68. I feel guilty getting a pedicure, as much as I love how it looks. Having someone at and working on my feel makes me feel weird.
69. Thru high school and college, I had long painted nails. Now I keep them short and plain.
70. If I don't give my age, I still get guessed to be in my 20s.
71. Sometimes when I answer the phone at work, people ask if my mom is home.
72. I got married on the beach in Kauai.
73. Lived for 2 years in San Francisco. I cherish those years.
74. My mom married my dad because he looked like Elvis.
75. At 18.
76. I was 33 when I got married.
77. Other than my dad's family, I have consciously stopped speaking to 3 people. My friend Lisa, and my brother and sister in law. I don't owe any of them any apologies. If they don't know the reasons, it's their bad and I don't care.
78. I have driven myself thru nearly every state in the country. Clear across the country 4 times.
79. When I was in high school, I rode a 1,000 mile bikeathon with my church youth group, from the Indiana state line to Grand Lake, Colorado, in 2 weeks. We averaged 100 miles a day.
80. I had my first boyfriend on that biketrip. I was 15. His name was Brian. Got my first kiss from him a couple weeks before at Memorial Day Camp. My first french kiss in a church on the first night of the bike trip, after a fair.
81. My first sexual experience should've been with him.
82. Instead, it ended up being something really unpleasant in college with someone I only knew that night.
83. If I could take back all the drinking and all the sex I had in college, I would. None of it was good and not worth it.
84. I believe in reincarnation.
85. I don't believe in "God." I believe in an energy force, form undefined, that is accessible by all of us, for good and evil. There have been many prophets - Jesus, Buddha, Allah, etc... they all represent the same thing, taking different roads to the same place.
86. "The Celestine Prophecy" was the first thing I read that truly represented how I believe.
87. I developed a stutter when I was 7, when my mom divorced my first step dad.
88. It has been the most humiliating and embarrassing thing to deal with in my life.
89. Taking Zoloft seems to have helped me... my doctor says I don't have a true stutter, that it's anxiety. I think she's right. And I wish someone had helped me years ago.
90. When I was 21, I took a job as a switchboard operator. I thought I hid my stutter. I didn't.
91. I can truly count my true friends on two hands. I don't talk to them much, but I know we love each other unconditionally.
92. I miss my friend Katia, who lives in Malta dearly. I just got to spend 4 days with her though, after 8 years.
93. If I have a daughter, her name will be Aerin Catherine Celestina Simone. If I have a son.... I may name him Jack. If I'm convinced Sam Simone sounds ok, it'll be Sam. His middle name will be Michael.
94. I think I'd be a good mother.
95. I think Michael will be a good father.
96. I can't believe people actually voted for fucking Bush, TWICE, and all the misery he's brought upon our country. His sins are unforgiveable. I just hope the next President can help repair some of this damage.
97. I didn't like him, but I believed in him after 9/11. I thought he was the right man for the job. I trusted him. He has ruined that a millions times over. He is what got me passionate about politics and my beliefs about freedom and my country.
98. I miss my beloved pets that I have lost over the years.. Heidi the Dachsund, Heidi the Poodle, Pepi, Babi, Gretchen, Kippy, Abby, and last but not least, Maximillian Fartman. And all my fishies from a few years ago.
99. Right now, my family consists of Michael, my mother, my mother in law, and Trixie, Lucy, Lady, Chia and Bella. And my three hermit crabs. :)
100. I am thankful and feel blessed for each day I wake up. Life is a gift, and I hope I end up fulfulling the potential in mine. I especially love life when I go thru a whole day without a migraine. THAT is a BEAUTIFUL day.

Following Thru

It feels good. It'll be a long road... a slow but steady upward climb, but... I have begun. And it feels good.
Indeed, did my Taebo yesterday. And as usual, Billy kicked my ass. However, he kicked it a little too hard! I have the new Bootcamp DVDs, and I used the Billy Bands on the Basic tape, and O.M.G. It killed me. My ARMS! Oh God My Arms!!!! Actually, I started dying with the warmup push ups. : (
But, I got as far as I could and then just skimmed the rest. Had been looking forward to doing legwork, but I was so shaky, no way. So, I think on Monday, I'm gonna go back to a couple DVDs I know and love, and build up my stamina with those, and "reward" myself with BootCamp down the road when I know for certain I'm strong enough to TRY to handle it.
Damn that man! ; )

Also, this morning, am having some yummy fresh strawberries.
Of course, we're going out to breakfast at Denny's after bit (hubby's idea - who am I to tell him no?? ;))... and then an afternoon of fun errands down Rt. 2.
But hey - it's Something! Had my Kashi yesterday after my "workout".
And made dinner from a Marilu Henner recipe - Spinach Risotto. Mmmmmmmm. Delish.

So, baby steps, people. And I'm good with baby steps, because inherent in baby STEPS is moving FORWARD. It's not standing still anymore.
I made sure to take my weight yesterday. Noooot comfortable posting that just yet. I think I can remember what it is. But as soon as I see significant initial loss, in LBs or inches, I shall begin posting. Because I am fucking Serious about this.
I know this whole past year was supposed to be "The Year", as I didn't want to turn 40 and still be fat. But.. hey. I still have 4 months, less a day, to make a nice fucking Dent in it, so, whatever. I'm ok with that. I'm done beating myself up. What good comes of that???
I've got enough people willing to beat me up (ok, maybe just a couple down in Narragansett) that I don't need to help them out.

I've got all kinds of plans for next year, including driving or flying to Alabama next spring to visit my Brini. Stay a week or so, and then we're going to drive up to Indiana to surprise Elyse when she graduates in May sometime. And then, I'm thinking I'll go on up to Mom's and get her packed up to come out and visit with me for a small bit. And then in August is Laura's wedding - and I want to look GOOD for those pics! My girl Kate will be almost 16, and I know she and Laura will be looking oh so glam.. I want to have a beautiful photo of the three of us.
And then at some point, maybe after the wedding, I want to go visit Sunny in Boulder. Wanna check that place out - she seems to love it, and I've always been curious.
And it seems like a reasonably safe place from natural disasters. Just a bit of snow maybe, but, I'm ok with snow.

Tomorrow it's supposed to be warmer so am going to plant the last of my ground cover that's been sitting out there for over a month now, and some bulbs that will hopefully come up next spring. A bit more of yard cleanup - and then just waiting for leaves to fall off... hmmm... as gargantuan and regal as our tree is - we should name her.... well, when the leave fall off her, wanna just be able to blow them all in a big pile and bag'em and be done with it. Outside projects will be fini then.

Have been having really good chats with Mom lately. It's soooo nice. I'm guessing it's partially because she's back on her meds. She better damn well stay ON them!! But, when we talk, she sounds normal, and I am always thankful when that happens. She's coherent, she's listening, she's not depressed, she has things to talk about, she asks me questions.... it's all good. : )
Luv my mommy... I shorely do.

The Goddess I Want to Become

WHY do I stay "stuck"????I'm turning 40 in about 4 months, and I'm still stuck in Stucksville, USA. Stuck in bad food, old habits, non-oxygen living. I've DONE the other stuff - the Good stuff - and Loved how I felt doing it. "Somehow" ended up back here in the Crap Zone of Life, and I REALLY want to change, to *BE* different.

Yet, each night I think, OK - Tomorrow I am SOOOO doing my Taebo/eating better. Yet, the morning comes, and here I lay. In bed, surrounded by my cute lil dogs, watching tv, surfing... the morning goes... and it turns into another day where I didn't *DO* what I planned, what I Want, what I NEED to do!!! I want to be a Goddess! I want to be lean, fit, healthy! I WANT - I know I must DO.

... this is a little cathartic. spilling my guts to you here. I think perhaps I Can do it this next morning. I WILL do my 30 mintues of oxygenated living. I WILL have my Kashi/bananas/soy milk breakfast. I WILL make a good choice for lunch and dinner. I WILL drink liter upon liter of water. Life giving, Life affirming water. I sweated like a pig this summer.I do NOT want to be FAT next year, my 40th summer on earth. I want to wear cute tanks, little shorts, free and fabulous. I have at least 6 months til the Warm weather comes again. That can be at LEAST 60 pounds off my goddess-in-the-making body. Kick it up a notch during the hot summer months, eating lighter, moving even more - can lose easily another 30-40, and Presto - I'm about where I want to be, not even a whole year from now.

A Year - feels/looks like forever.Day by Day - we all know goes by LIKETHIS!Day 1 - Tomorrow - a Thursday, not a Monday - I will begin. I have ALREADY begun, by deciding right NOW to start making better choices.
I am excited. I am finally fucking Ready. I've Been ready... I just lacked the true desire and discipline. If I want to be a Goddess, I have to earn it.

Oh Bosh

It's been so long since I blogged.... where on earth do i begin to catch up???

On one hand, I know there's tons to say, and I wish I had stayed with my original goal of a once a day posting, but on the other hand, I've just been in such a blah state of late, I'd rather just watch Tivo, read other blogs, read the millions of things stacked up next to my bed, play with the dogs, etc...

Maybe I put too much expectation, that every post has to be long and complete and utterly fascinating. And stop fretting over no one leaving a comment. I love seeing that folks from all over the world stop by, even for a nanosecond. I guess that's enough.

So, Fi was here last week. We had the BESTEST visit ever. Well, not long enough, but I got to reconnect with my sisterfriend.

...........................

Ok.. started this post on Oct. 3 and never finished. (i don't get blogger - it's still going to show the date posting this as 10/3.. it's actually 10/15 today. whatever)
Oy.
I think I got too overwhelmed by all the (whoohoo) stuff that happens in my oh so thrilling life I didn't know where to begin to catch up.

So, lemme just say - it's been raining for a whole entire straight week. It's kinda weird. Almost biblical. It's supposed to stop today. That cold front can't move in quickly enough for me - I woke up this morning WARM - Ugh. Being too warm in bed is on my top 5 list of pet peeves.

It's been lovely the last two days of not having to go Anywhere... got a week plus off from walking Casey. I miss him of course, but I do love my whole stay at home days.

Oh... something else that may have affected by mood lately is mom and I had a whole 'nother blowup thingy. She called to tell me Mr. French had a heart attack, and then went into a story about another neighbor, and she didn't like what I said - as usual - and wanted to hang up on me! Just because I didn't agree with her 100% and didn't go along with the script in her head. UGH. Then she pulled another infamous trick - "I'm boring you aren't I", No mom, I'm just tired. Plus this conversation is draining me. "What do you mean" It's just upsetting to realize some things will never change "Then I guess you won't miss me when I'm gone"
ARGH

She really and truly drives me crazy sometimes. As in - I would Think I'm crazy if I didn't know for sure I'm not, and didn't have M here to listen to me, and at least my end of most conversations, to reassure me I AM sane.
I can sorta go along with a theory on reincarnation that you choose your parents before you're born, to help you learn the lessons you need to in this lifetime, but... Honest to god. Sometimes I don't get why I chose my Particular parents.... I mean... I'll be sorting out why I had my father for the rest of my life.
Mom told me more things about him yesterday that just makes me wanna go rattle his 10 yr old grave and give him what for!!! What a Prick! As far as men go, he really was just scum - the kind of man I'd stay 10000000 miles away from. Thank Dog that M is the total opposite of him. That's why I married him of course. :)
The only thing I've been sad about in that area is that M has in common with dad a "handy" aspect... he does so much around the house and yard for us... He doesn't need help or training, but, since construction etc was dad's profession, there have been times when I thought, gee, woulda been sorta nice to have dad here to help us with this. And he woulda loved doing it.

My whole life, 3 things were most important to him - my weight, my salvation and my relationship, or lack thereof. I found M 2 years after dad died. I dunno...
it's just weird to work out crap with your parents after they're dead. It sucks because I REALLY want to yell at him, and hold him accountable for sooooo many crappy things he did... to me, to mom, to other people...
It'll be a lifelong struggle to continuously consciously let it go.

On a more positive note - recently reconnected with a groovy gal here in RI that I met thru a newsgroup before we moved here.... hoping to go down to her neck of the woods and visit sometime soon. Would be great to have an actual friend here finally.
It's just so difficult, it seems, to make new friends as an adult.

Lady is still working out fabulously. I'm so glad she's part of our family now. She just couldn't get along with everyone any better. Yesterday, Trixie even licked her back after she came back in from the rain! awwwww I don't know if she knew she was licking Lady's back, or if it was just so familiar to her, since Lady is so much like Max, and has his same hair and coloring. If she's able to recognize that fact, and make that connection, it must be a little confusing to her.
awww Mister. We still miss you so much. We miss your personality, your smiles, your hugs, all your cute little quirks and habits.. well, can't say we miss the farting, but... we have Fartgirl here to help out with that - it's almost like you're still here in a way. ; )
love you forever, Maximillion. You'll always be the first man I truly loved.